One month.
It's been one month since your heart beat last.
It's been one month since we held you in our arms.
One month since we heard your voice.
One month since we heard your whoops of joy.
One month since we've seen you be pulled around on your scooter.
One month since we had hoped you would get better and come home with us.
One month since we had to watch you gasp for your last breath.
One month since one nightmare ended and another began.
One month since we began a life we never wanted to live.
One month ago we had to say goodbye to our whole world. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week we cared for Kreed. We took care of his medical needs, food, sleep, activities- everything. One month ago we said goodbye to our adventure buddy, our partner in crime and the epic life we lived. No one should ever EVER have to go through this kind of pain. We go through our days, and so many of them don't feel like our days. Like we are having a day when he's just with Bill giving us some respite. Every time I remember this is forever, the tears fall. I still don't even know what to do. I had the next 50 years planned with him at least, to teach, experience life and give him one hell of a life. That life wasn't supposed to end at 18. I didn't know last summer would be his last summer. Or Christmas. Or birthday. Or meal (which was Five Guys). Or swing. Or jump on the trampoline. Or night time at home with us.
In the coming weeks I will blog more about what happened so everyone can understand. We are still trying to understand in some ways. When Kreed entered the Children's Hospital Colorado he was already dying. We just didn't know it. There was nothing the hospital could have done or didn't do to help him. It was too late by the time Kreed and I first walked in their ER. Instead, Kreed was given one hell of a three months surrounded by staff who adored him and were willing to do whatever was needed to make him happy. Kreed loved people. He loved having fun. He loved being loved. And I thank Children's for providing that love to Kreed in his final three months.
Nothing will ever replace the emptiness we feel inside. Kreed's loss was soul crushing. He was our soul child. I don't know how you recover from that. I don't think you do. I think you learn to live with the emptiness and the hole. And not a day will ever go by that I won't think of him or miss him.
It's been one month since we told him we loved him and he heard us.
One month feels like too long to be without him. I don't want to know what forever feels like.
Im so so sorry, when ya'll took him the first time, I had hope for ya'll that you were finally gonna get some answers and get Kreed on the road to recovery, never in my wildest dreams........did I think he was dying, he was swinging! That Friday before! Im still can't believe it, I can never imagine what you all are going through:(
ReplyDeletei will miss this man forever. my super hero xxx
ReplyDeleteKreed walks bedside you. He holds your hand. He cuddles with you and holds you when you cry. He wipes away your tears.
ReplyDeleteKreed is free from pain. He is living a glorious life with NO LIMItTS, just as you prayed he would, only not how you planned. He knows you hurt. It always will hurt. Just know that it doesn't hurt for Kreed any longer. He can soar. He can fly. He can be the Kreed he always wanted to be.. Most of all, he cherishes, thanks, and loves you, and he needs you to know....you are going to be, okay. He will always be with you. Just not how you dreamed.
Hopefully you will be able one day to use the knowledge you learned taking care of Kreed to help others with autism. In that work, Kreed will live on. Love & prayers from SC.
ReplyDeleteHopefully one day you will be able to use the knowledge you gained in raising Kreed to help others with autism. By doing this, Kreed's spirit will live on. Prayers & hugs.
ReplyDeleteI lit a candle for Kreed to honor him on so many days. In our tradition on the Jewish Sabbath we pray for those who are in need of prayer and I have prayed for you. We remember those who have departed and I have kept Kreed in my daily thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI come from a family of Rabbis and I can try and shed light on Kreed's legacy. Kreed was put here to teach others and to be challenged and he met and exceeded those challenges put in front of him. Kreed had support and love this is one of the most precious parts of life.
Emptiness is a feeling of true spiritual mourning. You are going through one of life's hardest feelings. You will have Peace and the support of those near and dear to you God has given you the blessings to live on. Kreed gave this world so much to be grateful for like a sage. He kept the candle burning like on Hanukkah a miracle that Kreed was able to accomplish so much in his unfortunate short time on our planet.
Parents are giving the nourishment and education to their children and you will be blessed for life for all of your tireless hours spent caring for Kreed.
In my tradition after a loved one has left us we stay at home for seven days when people come and give food and we recite the Mourners Prayer and we do so if we lost a parent or sadly a child. On the one year anniversary we light a candle. You see commemorating our loved ones in this manner bolds them near and dear and we will never forget them as their legacy lives on.
I will end by saying how much I respect you for educating the world. You are a real blessing and you will have the strength as time goes on to write more on the backstory of Kreed's medical puzzle to help others. Helping others is what my motto is no matter what religion you follow we are all connected and can help each other and offer to do a good deed(Mitzvah) to help those with positive actions in times of need.
So sorry for your loss. Sending you love and light to make it through these difficult times. <3
ReplyDeleteOne month too long.... Such a heart wrenching, sucky journey you are on... You are never alone my friend... There are many of us that will carry you until you feel strong enough to inch on. And even then... Lean on me/us because we will understand you and understand your grief. Much love xoxo
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