January 17th, 2013
How many months have we stared at your sweet face begging you to tell us what's wrong? How many days have we wiped away your tears as the pain and frustration is too much? How many years have gone by since you've been locked up inside? I stare at you in wonderment now. Communicating. Telling us your thoughts word by word, phrase by phrase.
I can remember laying in front of you begging for you to tell me what's wrong. Begging you to let me help you. I'm sorry I didn't know what was wrong. We had to decode your behavior and have less clues to work with than on the Medical Mysteries! How we wished you could have some words, any words, some way to tell us.
Instead you told us through your anger, your fear and your sadness. You told us through the wounds on your hands, the bang of your head, the pounding of your feet and the tears you would cry. Your silence has been deafening. Your voice lost.
Here you are today, telling me you don't feel well. Your head hurts. Telling me your sad when you remember things in the past. Telling me your excited when you do something fun. Turning to a peer and asking her if she's seen the movies you like. Requesting anything and everything you want. Finally knowing some of your favorite songs. You've found your voice. Maybe not in the way we thought or used to want, but we hear you loud and clear now buddy.
No more silence. No more waiting to hear your thoughts. No more wondering if we will ever know what's inside of you. You never have to go unheard again. We can hear your voice. And it's sweet, and sensitive and funny. Priceless.
I'm sorry for all the times we've failed you, talked about you in front of you like you weren't there or ignored a communication attempt. I'm sorry it took so long to give you a voice. I'm sorry it took so long to give you a choice in everything. And I'm sorry I didn't take your device everywhere sooner- you deserve to have a voice no matter where you are, not just when it's convenient for me.
I'm sorry for not understanding sooner. I'm sorry so many people hurt you in your life and didn't understand you. I'm sorry some people still don't understand you and probably never will. I'm sorry for anyone that has ever treated you like you were less and I'm sorry when I can't protect you from the people that make you feel that way. I will always fight for you and fight for your voice.
I love hearing your thoughts and your voice. I'm sorry when I get mad and frustrated when you have trouble understanding why you can't have everything. It's been a long road to get to here. I will continue to walk beside you and help you and lead you anywhere you want to go.
I'm sorry for when I will let you down in the future or lose my cool, but I promise I will make it up to you and try harder. I promise to hear your voice no matter what, no matter where we are and no matter what we are doing. I promise I won't let anyone silence you again. We hear you now and will never let that voice go silent again.
We love you for all that you are and for who you are going to be. We love you through the silence, through the tears and pain and through your successes and happiness.
I hope at the end of all of this, you will know how far my love goes. Here's to you dear sweet Kreed, who has finally found your voice and it is beautiful.
I'm sitting in a chair next to you and the room is completely silent, except for the whirl of oxygen you now need to sleep at night.
My heart has been broken while you've been in this hospital. To see you suffer. To know I can't make it better. To see you ignored and your thoughts and feelings not cared about. To see you still smile and flash your adorable dimples at the very mention of veggie chips. You have taught me to appreciate the little things in life despite the pain and suffering.
And you have found your voice. Somehow through all of this pain and sorrow you have shown the world how aware you are about everything. And I am so incredibly sorry for not realizing sooner. For all the conversations we've had in front of you. For all the things you must have heard. For all the teachers and therapists who talked as if you weren't there or paying attention. For all the people that have doubted you and called you names that are beneath you.
I promise to always fight for you. I promise to make the world hear your voice. I will always help you in every way you need. We will figure this out together. I will make your voice heard loud and proud and I will dismiss anyone who would treat you otherwise.
No one should be made to feel less as so many people have done to you. I can only imagine how crazy it must feel in your head. Screaming to be heard and silenced by many.
I hope you know how loved your are and how much I adore you in every thing you do. I even miss our arguments right now while you are suffering. Hearing your thoughts are like heaven to me, even if I disagree with you. And hearing you say autism is you has given me another new perspective into you. I have hated autism, I have hated what it's done to you, what it's taken from you. But now I see you know that autism and you are inseparable. Instead we need to hate what it has taken from you but not hate the word itself because to hate it would mean to hate you and I have nothing but intense love for you dear child. Thank you for teaching me the difference.
You are so much stronger than me. Stronger than anyone I know. You have suffered in silence for so long and yet you have inspired thousands now. I can't wait for the day you can understand facebook and social media and all the people you have touched and inspired. Just by being you. The boy with an infectious smile and killer dimples. You have touched me in ways I can't even put into words.
So I write you letters. And one day you and I will sit down and read these letters and you will know how I feel and have felt. My tears are flowing freely now, so I must end this. I have to get ready for a fight with your doctors to make sure you are heard and I don't want to look like a hot mess! I want to be strong for you like you have been so strong through this. I owe this to you. And I love you more than you know. Or maybe you do.