tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650169148594406392024-02-24T12:46:30.960-08:00Kreed's WorldThis is the story of how we were able to become part of Kreed's World through his communication device and also of our grief now that he has passed away. Kreed found his voice and was finally being heard and we will continue to honor his memory and story. This is and was his journey of hope through nonverbal autism and complex medical conditions that ultimately took his life. Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.comBlogger109125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-22732909539759521782020-05-28T21:52:00.001-07:002020-05-28T21:52:39.159-07:00FBA, FA and ABA <div>It’s taken me a few days, but I want to continue the discussion on the changes coming to my practice. I may be long at times when I want to be short, but I quite easily give long explanations lol. I will also be putting these on both the Kreed blog and No Limits Blog. </div><div>How many parents have sent their child to therapy at 4? Here is the programming and the behavior plan. Now that child is 10. Here is that programming and behavior plan. But wait, six years later, the same behaviors are on that behavior plan, but may just look a little different. It’s been six years. You ask why, why is my child still acting this way? A typical ABA behavior plan includes what is called a Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA). An FBA can consist of a number of items, typically left up to the behavior analysts discretion. They often have indirect assessments (closed-ended questionnaires with family and staff) and descriptive assessments (antecedent (what happens before a behavior), behavior, consequence (what happens after a behavior) data while directly observing a client as well as other descriptive observations when directly with the child). Based on those two assessments, often behavior analysts think they have an understanding of the topography (what a behavior looks like) of the behavior, and possibly some antecedent conditions under which the behavior may occur. Then a behavior plan is written up with some antecedent interventions and some consequence interventions. Things to control so maybe the behavior won’t happen. Or things to do after a behavior happens. Plus some replacement behaviors to replace the behaviors that serve the same supposed function. And in the end the behavior is supposed to decrease. If it’s not, then adjustments should be made. They also describe what the behavior looks like and then they HYPOTHESIZE why the behavior may be occurring. </div><div>I point out the hypothesize for a reason. With just the indirect and descriptive assessments, you cannot make a causal relationship of why a behavior is occurring. You can only guess. To make the causal relationship, you have to prove it. Prove your hypothesis. And to do that, you need to conduct a functional analysis or FA. </div><div><br></div><div>The vast majority of FBA’s do not contain an FA. Cue GASP. Why? Why wouldn’t you want to prove the function of a behavior instead of guessing. That will be a topic for another post 😂 FA’s and the history of FA’s and the ways to conduct them have been the subject of vast research but there is still a lot of myth’s out there and reasons why people don’t conduct them. Strangely enough, I have always done some level of FA. Including with Kreed. Because when I went to doctors, I went armed with the exact reasons for his off the wall behavior so they couldn’t blame “autism”. So that I could use my BCBA speak to combat their Doctor speak and it became a fair fight. I typically won. I once told them, you guys are experts at understanding the body and from what people tell you. Kreed can’t tell you. But his behavior does. And I’m an expert in what his behavior says. These were epic conversations. But I digress. </div><div><br></div><div>This is one of the problems I find with our field. People are afraid to go outside their comfort zone. What they have been taught- child presents with behavior, I describe that behavior, then I hypothesize that behavior, then I develop a plan for that behavior and then I see if it works. But they aren’t asking WHY. Why is that behavior happening. It’s more than a description. If I knew why that behavior was happening, so much more can be done. I don’t need to guess. I develop highly individualized plans with concrete steps and strong analysis. So in six years, that former 4 year old, now 10 year old’s behavior plan won’t be including those 4 year old behaviors. And did I mention after this FA, the treatment does not involve restraints or safety equipment. We are not planning for them to engage in those severe high level behaviors. I’m not planning for things to be unsafe. I’m planning for the kids to be in a safe, compassionate place with consent and choice and a feeling of mutual trust between both the client and the therapist.</div><div>This is why I’m talking about it being meaningful. Life changing. I’m not about doing the same thing and the same strategies. If a child emits a dangerous behavior after we have done an FA and developed a clear and detailed plan, then we have a meeting. Why. Why did it happen? Where was the breakdown? How did we get to that level and what do we do about it? It’s no longer just a frequency count in a chart. </div><div><br></div><div>Now, obviously in our field, we should always be conducting a functional assessment (even without the FA). But not everyone does. Some just take the behavior and begin hammering away at it without even taking a closer look at it. Dr. Hanley further gives an in-depth reason on functional assessments in general:</div><div><br></div><div>“There is an equally important humanistic reason for doing so; conducting a functional assessment dignifies the treatment development process by essentially “asking” the person why he or she is engaging in problem behavior prior to developing a treatment. Behavior modification, or programming powerful but arbitrary reinforcers and punishers without first recognizing the unique history of the person being served or the prevailing contingencies he or she is experiencing, is somewhat inconsiderate. It is like saying, “I don't know why you have been behaving in that extraordinary manner, but it does not matter because I can change your behavior.”</div><div>By contrast, a behavior analytic approach, with functional assessment at its core, essentially communicates: “I don't know why you have been behaving in that extraordinary manner, but I will take some time to find out why and incorporate those factors into all attempts to change your behavior.”</div><div><br></div><div>He also gives an equally powerful example:</div><div><br></div><div>Imagine that you experienced some temporary muscle paralysis that does not allow you to talk, write, or engage in controlled motor movements. You are now hospitalized and on several medications that have the common side effect of drying out your eyes, nose, skin, and, especially your mouth. Water is viewable on the rolling table, but unattainable due to your lack of dexterity. You learn that if you bang the bed rails with the back of your hands long enough and loud enough, people will come to you and do things for you, like turning the television on or off or fluffing your pillows, or give you things, one of which is the water that you desperately need. Due to its functionality, the banging continues to such an extent that the backs of your hands are bruised and your care providers annoyed. The consulting behavior modifier shows up and recommends a program of contingent restraint with Posey® mitts “to ensure your safety” and access to music and some Skittles when you are not banging. Your problem behavior occurs much less frequently. It doesn't go away, but your bruises are healing, and the staff is certainly less annoyed with you. Job well done by the behavior modifier? I doubt you think so.</div><div>If there were a process available to allow your care providers to know the simple reason why you were hurting yourself and annoying them, wouldn't you want it employed? Wouldn't it have been nice to just be able to push a button that requested assistance obtaining water at any given moment (or perhaps simply have access to a long straw!)? The functional assessment process makes these humane and practical outcomes possible. </div><div><br></div><div>If you’re a parent reading this and have a child in ABA and it feels like I’m speaking Greek to you, then I would definitely turn to your behavior analyst and ask them what your child’s behavior plan is, and how they developed that plan. At the very minimum they should have conducted indirect and descriptive assessments. Then you can ask if they conducted a functional analysis. If they say well that’s what they did (referencing just the indirect and descriptive) then you might want to educate them that they are missing an important piece of the puzzle. </div><div><br></div><div>As a fellow analyst in the field, might I get comments here blasting me for saying all of this? Maybe. But twenty years in the field and watching the directions it has taken, its time we take a long look at ourselves. Can I reduce problem behavior and have I without an FA? Yes. Have I improved the lives of many children without using an FA? Yes. Do I have kids I treated twenty years ago that are thriving adults who are in college or jobs etc? Yes. But could I have done even better back then? Yes. And can I do better now? Yes. So I will do better. I’m not afraid to look at myself or my practice and know I have made mistakes and have not always done what is best. But then you have to strive for more. And we are. And all of our children deserve the best and adding a functional assessment to any behavior assessment is the best and key. </div><div><br></div><div>“The literature has shown that descriptive assessments are good at teaching us about the prevalence of the environmental events occurring before and after problem behavior, but that we need to conduct functional analyses to learn about the relevance of those events for the severe problem behavior we are charged with understanding.”</div><div>- Dr. Greg Hanley</div><div><br></div><div>There is so much more I want to say, but trying to keep these short and to the point. I will point out the barriers for why people don’t do functional analysis along with the other parts of an FBA in the next segment. But as an introduction to the changes I’m making within my practice and my company, I wanted to start with the basics. What a functional behavior assessment is, the core components and the component often left out that we are fully implementing. Every client that walks through our doors will be given a functional analysis as part of their intake and treatment plans. We will strive to understand why behaviors are happening and not just defining a topography and making a guess. Does this take more time? On so many fronts? Yes but every client that walks through our doors deserves the respect and compassion for us to ask the question of how they developed this behavior and why. And to have a completely tailored and individual behavior plan to address it. </div><div><br></div><div>In the FA’s we have already conducted, we have already seen some of our hypotheses proved and some have been dis-proven and what we “thought” was wrong or incomplete. But now we know why and the analysis has proven the causal relationships so we can better begin to serve our clients. </div><div><br></div><div>I know I wrote in a lot of science heavy terms, but I really want to start to discuss these things openly, honestly and deeply about the field I have dedicated my entire adult life to. And the method in which we taught our son Kreed to do so many of the things he was able to do. In many ways, I was already applying many of the things I will be talking about- I just didn’t know others were doing the same thing and questioning in the same ways and frustrated in the same ways. </div><div><br></div><div>I have always been transparent about our life in many ways. I didn’t shy away from the difficult moments with Kreed or the extremely amazing moments. I have talked in depth now about child loss and grief and what it has done to me. And now I will be transparent in the way I conduct my practice and talk about ABA in a way that I never have before and as openly. In the comments I will include an article from Dr. Hanley where the above quotes came from and the in-depth talk he gives about FBA’s and FA’s. His work is the cornerstone of the changes we are making. And I thank all of you for all of your kind words both when Kreed was alive and now that’s he’s passed and continuing to follow and comment your love and support for the next stage of my life with my practice. I hope we can continue Kreed’s mission to educate and for us to do better for our kids. So they can all be flying fast on a tube on the river, or be able to take a plane ride to visit grandparents or ride a bike for the first time or go to restaurants or try new foods and enjoy holidays and live their best life without severe behaviors impacting them from living a happier and joyful life. </div><div>Kreed chose Joy. And that is what I choose for each child that walks through our doors.</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_da79_4183_e042_64b" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/OBPIv930tj0fQqgqyIJMPIHmDb8OTz7PunjNEr7we_8Lnz6QD59FUxLIKLlH6ds" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_b51f_e055_9ae4_2d2f" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-7LcUVJ3XF-0z8cryVDJ9BeN9hXpiGp1OVwgvRyxWWkJWzyAixdjD5a-U89-RSc" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_310e_c9c1_a7ed_1a0a" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/3xhFhK2r7_VAtkRjylm6SXhU_cTVFY_cl5J4EPPImUckopWO5t4hwedZ0F5vdD4" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_6d2a_d01e_f203_b243" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/toZjHLzMLcEtBflp2fovARJOipgpEKET45fSexZcaTce94wwpqv_121jXhPRUJs" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_6b6a_2bbf_d075_5c75" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/u4rDyEhZISSzHVnE5i6Dkd-vLaUIJO03cyy0Sc-buVQO394nVMRDN96UoT6qxEQ" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_7121_dcda_6639_ea34" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/EbW5K1sGDgCOdCSGMawrwiquQn4VHMPE7ObPCvXsa7pJl4zO4RLxoN6T0dYGvhA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_1104_8aea_5d4c_72ec" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/CFYEx-n6-kTv6wDB8XzFryb8zdoWPsnxsxleehgReBQrP-JXsJlJ2YC1cK2Ps5c" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_709b_8388_44fe_64c" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/kqTPPkOLwuqzfGYNOz-XLcH4ry5udPgylKCtHLY_3SqzjLVqF4EuC2EzRvopDjI" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-46904683186681901552019-07-11T18:43:00.001-07:002019-07-11T18:43:56.783-07:00Moment By Moment
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Sometimes stories go viral in special needs circles and beyond that do not sit well with me. And fester inside of me. Until the words then spill out of me. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So I’m here to say I never knew that motherhood would change me in such a profound and positive way. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Kreed taught me more about life and how to live it than any one person or book. Despite his rages and tantrum that were beyond difficult. That is not what I focus on. We did what we did to protect him. Some days I had nothing left in me and I still had to do what needed to be done for him. But I don’t regret a single moment of those times. Because at least I had time with him. Life is short. Time is relative and I’m so glad I didn’t spend my time with him agonizing over the things I lost or wish I had. Kreed taught me to live in the moment. Just the moment. And that changed everything for me. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I recognized myself as a mom. A fighting fucking strong, amazing mom to this amazing boy. And he made me that way. He made me fight doctors in a way I never had. He made me fight for his health and wellness in a way I didn’t even know was possible. And he made me stop and smell the damn roses even if I didn’t want to. Because we only have this moment. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I gave up my career for him and gladly. My education was not wasted or training. Everything taught me to fight for his life. And to teach him. About everything. And being his mother was everything. My life with him was not nothing. It was the greatest joy of my life. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I would give anything to not have to use the bathroom alone. I miss his breaking in to show me what he has said on his device. Or hand me a plaid shirt that meant Five Guys lol. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I would gladly change Kreeds bed sheets every single day again, if it meant I had one more millisecond with him. I would gladly deal with a night rage of his trying to bite off his toes if it meant I had one more chance to try and help him and do it better. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I would glad do anything for one more second with our boy. Who did teach us to stop. Slow down. Wait. Be patient. While Kreed was go go go non-stop, he was also the boy who wanted to be outside with his arms open wide and feel the wind on his face. For that moment. He was the boy who could rage and try to kill himself banging his head so hard he cracked his head open or ripping off his toes in one moment and the next be cuddled up in my lap, all 180 pounds and almost six foot frame and breathing. In and out. In and out. And just being. For that moment where nothing else existed. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I find those that write about how miserable their kids make them, are not seeing these moments. And just seeing what their child is doing to them, instead of for them. They aren’t seeing the joy a moment can bring. Because it’s those moments that matter. Life is short and time is relative. It can end tomorrow and then years down the road those moments feel like yesterday. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We did write about our incredibly hard journey. I filmed some of the rages. Our life was not an easy path. But it wasn’t easy for him. He was the one who had to fight for his place in the world. My place was by his side showing him how to be in this world and be at peace and to love this world. And love this world he did. More than anything. Sometimes he thrashed and screamed at this world. Other times he hopped down the isle looking for his favorite chips smiling from ear to ear. He tried so so hard in this world. Seeing his struggle had profound effects on me. My struggles were nothing compared to his. I can communicate. I can write in this blog. I can get in the car and go. I can do whatever I wanted. He could not. He was bound by the limits of his body and brain and just wanted to be free. So we did our best to help him in every way we possibly could and show him every wonder of this world and did anything for a smile. We went through hard moments to teach him and later see him flourish. If my job here on earth was to teach this incredible boy and that’s it, no problem. I would give anything to have that job back. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But the longer you stay inside yourself feeling like your the one having the hard time and not seeing the moments for what they are, what our children can accomplish and the every day victories, the further away those moments will be. The more you will lose time. And the more you will regret if tomorrow came and your moments end. Like ours did. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We have a perspective of both having a child most would consider beyond severe for the rages that happened and what it took for us to keep him safe and what we did to help him learn and find himself in this world and loving this world. And what it’s like losing that child after giving everything you had inside you and more to try and keep him alive and having him slip away in your arms. You want to talk about feeling lost? That’s when you bury your child. The child you took care of 24/7 and kept alive and fought so hard so he could have the life he loved. That is lost. That is losing yourself. That is grief. </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I wrote a post I will share the link here. The Luxury of Anger. </span><a href="http://kreedsworld.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-luxury-of-anger.html?m=1">http://kreedsworld.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-luxury-of-anger.html</a><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">That’s how I felt while he was still alive and I’m thankful to this day we didn’t fall prey to that anger that could have easily then sucked the life out of Kreed because I would have been too busy being angry at our life to have made sure to give him an amazing one. I didn’t have the luxury of anger. Most of us don’t because we do what we have to do for our children. Period. And I’m a better person for it and I’m more of a person than I ever was because of the love of him and the fight for him.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Balance comes from celebrating the moment. Every moment. Living moment to moment. Breathing in one moment. Doing a thousand things in the next. Then back to cuddling on that couch with Kreed. Breathing. In and out. And remembering the sound of that breathing forever because it now remains only a memory. </span></p><p class="p1"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">This is our truth, from someone that lost their boy and only has reflection time now. Only memories on a phone full of pictures and videos. Memories swirling in my head. Only memories. And I wish I had the moments again. </span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"></span><img id="id_f2ea_c7db_cbcf_8f91" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/esrEccppt3pu8QDBfd9CkfyLsemy1b2fSMXI2YMWAE4pvLi8Hh15f_93wRU" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-85853684573483590062018-11-07T21:35:00.001-08:002018-11-07T21:54:19.676-08:00He was the one having a hard time<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Sometimes things hit me and I have to talk about it. There are so many messages out there about being a special needs parent. The message we always hoped to convey...was hope. Kreed was known as pretty severe- his rages documented on video and those weren’t even the worst ones since I could video. We didn’t video them for any reason other than so people wouldn’t feel so alone, to see what we did to help him through it and to show him and talk him through it. Mostly we showed using a communication device and how we helped him through his struggles. But this was a kid who tried to bite his toes off literally. And bash his head in until he could go unconscious. And bite every part of his body he would reach. And many many other things. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But you know what, I never felt sorry for myself. I felt deep pain for Kreed. For what he was going through. The unimaginable pain he carried inside himself to the point he wanted to seriously harm himself and anyone trying to stop him. That was pain. I did not suffer. I did not have despair for myself. I had it for our boy. Whose life was way harder than I would ever have it. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Sure, it’s not easy going through this with our kids. I’m not saying it is. But I’m saying I always acknowledged how hard it was for our boy and that he was having a hard time, not giving us a hard time. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Sure, Carie and I didn’t get much date nights or other things couples get to do- but we made our own nights- Kreed got five guys and we got wherever we brought him with five guys. We went to movies at midnight when he was asleep (and someone with him of course but asleep!). We had many fabulous home made dinners at home and great TV marathons. Kreed learned to be a great spectator at Carie’s races and triathlons. Our boy experienced life WITH us. We didn’t want to do things “despite” our son with disabilities. We wanted to include him and experience everything. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But most of all- out of everything in this world- we wanted him to be happy. We gladly gave everything we had to our boy to be happy. He was an extraordinary young man who overcame so much that most of us don’t even have a clue what it’s like. Why did he rage? Because he had a painful nerve disorder and often people don’t even want to get out of bed with that disorder but Kreed didn’t care- he hopped out of bed and through stores! Until the pain was too much and he couldn’t tell us so he raged. Imagine being in that kind of pain for even a second? So no, I didn’t feel sorry for myself, I felt unending love and empathy for our boy. I didn’t think about how hard it was for us to deal with HIS neuropathy, I thought about how hard it was for HIM. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or when we found out he couldn’t breathe at night and needed a Bipap and every doctor told us it was futile and he would never wear one. I knew in that instant that: 1. They were wrong. 2. I would never sleep through the night again but 3. I didn’t care, if this would help him live a better life. And it did better his life and actually added probably two more years to his life as a result. So I slept with him for three months to get him to wear it. And he did. He defied all the odds and wore his Bipap. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t sleep much. It was exhausting. But I never thought about how much it sucked for me. I thought- holy shit, our boy is going to feel better!</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And he did. And I never slept again through the night until after he took his last breath on this earth. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Every night I set multiple alarms to wake up and see if he was asleep and if I could put the Bipap on. Sometimes I had to wake up many times because he wasn’t asleep yet. Oh well- as a result our boy got oxygen at night and could breathe. Later we had to wake up every ninety minutes to check his blood sugar because he was dropping into the low 20’s at night. Sometimes I even had to wake him to feed him or give him a peanut butter-honey spoon full. Those were even longer nights. But I still didn’t feel sorry for myself. I felt relief that our boy was still with us and alive. It was his body breaking down- not mine. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. But as I sit here at 10pm at night to the sound of nothing- no monitors, no alarms to set, no Disney movie playing in the next room, no amazing child hugging me good night or having some late night shrieks of joy- I was just thinking back to our life. And no matter how hard it was- and it was sometimes incredibly hard- we didn’t ever feel the despair for ourselves. Or feel a loss of our life. We felt a drive to make our child happy. To figure out what was wrong. And empathy for him and what he went through. He didn’t celebrate autism and had lots of thoughts on it and autism is a reason he’s not here with us today because he couldn’t communicate good enough for doctors to hear him- but autism didn’t ruin our lives or make us suffer. HE suffered. That’s an important distinction. It was his life that was hard. He knew he was limited in some ways and didn’t want to be. He wanted to go to five guys anytime he wanted and drive there and have his own money. He hated that his body didn’t work the way he wanted it to. And that was his right. To hate those things. I hated it for him! But I didn’t hate our life. I didn’t have self pity. I didn’t think about how horrible our life was because of those things. Because it was never about me- I don’t have a disability, I could walk, talk, go to work. Or any restaurant I wanted. I was free. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Because of the way we viewed our life I feel like we did more and taught him more. Because we just wanted our boy happy doing whatever it was he could. Tubing on a river. Horseback riding. Playing with the dogs. Road trips. Plane rides. Hikes. Go karts. Mini golf. Whatever his heart desired. Except Five Guys at midnight. We had to work through that one. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Now that our boy is gone. Now that is despair. That is grief. That is suffering. To have your child leave this world behind without you. To know you will never again get to hear their voice, sounds, words- whatever- smell them, hug them, kiss them, experience this world with them. I would give up everything I own including my own life to have this boy back on this earth. Anything and everything. For the most part we celebrated his life while he was here. And now we know what true heart ache is. We know what a last moment is for real because we have no more moments. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I speak about all these things Kreed did- but it wasn’t easy- he was a hellion. True story. This was a kid that flipped over shit in a grocery store and ran from you while knocking everything down. To biting my finger to the bone in the middle of Whole Foods and having my brother help me basically carry him to the car screaming. To throwing a shoe from his amazingly huge car seat built to keep him in but not built to keep his shoe from flying- and hitting the gear shift to park while driving 60mph. And having to teach him eventually to ride in a normal seat without tying to do every naughty thing in the book. And then flying in an airplane and going through security without doing anything that would get us arrested lol. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But then we just buckled down to teaching. We took so many practice trips everywhere. So he could learn how to act- he didn’t know- we had to not only teach him but teach him how to handle things even when he didn’t like it. It wasn’t easy but it was worth every second and i wish I was still teaching him. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Toward the end of his amazing life that boy loved to shop! From hellion to kickass shopper. Especially for avocados and sandals. Not kidding. That kids favorite place to go became food stores! And he was a decent cart driver too. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I’m still rambling but there is a point here. When we focused on Kreed and had empathy for what he went through and didn’t focus on if it made our life hard or not- our life went a hell of a lot better. It was a different life for sure and a small life- we mainly had each other and that was it- but that was okay- because we were enough for each other. And now that our boy is not here, it makes me at least in some tiny part of my heart, happy that we focused on him and his experience and not ours. It was his life that was hard and difficult and he was having a hard time. And when you think of it that way, it changes things so much. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And you never know how many moments you will have in this life. Things can change in an instant. Ours did. Celebrate this life that we have. The life of our children even when it’s hard. And I know- we lived through so much hard with our boy. But there was so much good too and that’s what we held on to. Always. And I’ll always be thankful that we never held on to the rages or hard times. When they were over, they were over. He didn’t dwell on them so neither did we. And when he smiled, it lit up the room and everything was okay. Even if it was just for a moment, I’ll take that moment a thousand times over. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><img id="id_2e56_1845_d709_2df8" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCY14pwj63TF1TSSQ4tnE3O7ZvY-mpZ0R7cq8I9vpNCTlwAnurXTJn48TZc-DBsloiaGj-scb3aPc1kINgoIZbE9gJ9fRYndB9MIu9wVXi8P-rIRU6so4IuELZJRHQWZ7ecnj7CkfB1mc/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_d83a_b251_e0b_d140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNKuTul2r7hbzJU7GxKSzxbiFEki40HRyH93U4mKRBhbSh1ihmy55bFwbyTjs7kIJosmhqsBRJrAPn9985-0Mc3RRz1azTinDJWR9jzR5hTcCn2bA0R2CgVChEeyr6hiDC23W02eVMH7I/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_a7_b79_2895_2a89" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjel4-axv0WUlgNcYPVsnTgW8UM8eCHGsGN6eHVFJ0Xk0OKRoNleuxaQnTNserA7b856KlLJnJ2g4XXuQQ4u8MQ0H3quSulgfplmsHLndG54SmHwsgA5wUXhP34rSinn4OH0sAJoqpnmbk/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_bd35_fae4_a3c9_8b20" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkp_JDlcNcurfV1is6KmZn3NbDkVrqdSpYtVQvkyTziP0_uniya5DUwrNeh8mOTHwzC6T_cJnHKKx1A7rJObOOH-OKCdnBcop_ICevBsBx4mdrcJD_cLoi7_HfPcDzhiwxqHIz1QeMWjA/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_8dd1_a688_2a60_f57e" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-ROO0EKvydoJhnA0dpg2W2wC_8DrkO3kZm-SJdkPKfhoxOEDJTFbWUSTkVzbuOJaJpRO99wdPNwCpmkOtaPytlahM8QKjzCH8Zs0OF_3v-O1zU4EB2fQutomYDkVHoyC5__zCRF6KYFs/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_1201_3053_1ee1_8f61" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWzSZDJDqgpS7LlWR8bndVn94412AxnZ2OQFKqMn_SGPQkFnECg0vnN-gPo2Pww5rG102aGu0Z0akSnS8GSFeX7Uq69ZxaC2KDi6Rjea8c12Y9OmuWbGCJ4cSGePhdiGsHvi7E3XsLxZ8/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_7053_9001_b43b_8a1d" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5X1rdhKT3dUmLaQVG3z97rI5UVRkuYSXcGBv9i7HyfvxQi7kvz_U4GwvulYQb6NO2m_K-hLwgMLxGkECu-jURhbJEEPnneVrb5NCzWbxObMjcXRH8cX7CWvmadOTVu6iWEsmkK3bSdqE/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_c979_7793_f80c_f250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglHGKbyzezJPV1w6Jj1FyVcELHYNYHJ-s6exMSDzdBByZGS2blXsYzT5uxDVyb_ZaRDAV8aJ_IRPJ_hyphenhyphensTSW8caJosUbT3-nudxVbkyUaWI_K2eK2yz1fJakQf9xHoWGL4SSCz5GpV8a8/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_7b81_d0d7_47a0_eaff" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqt3fNy2o907VL3DN4Ax5qNdij-2yc29xJqpN4Mtx1wEUrPNuPBZ4bMXwGeIVnDhX0kZSUjd055tZg0cjvwDfUyt_YMiu88CORdaxavLrVKzA9NHg8enIPZq6nEYYKDRFDMogU9IR3GIg/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_ee5b_dfc6_ba0e_93a7" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiboVWw4m-R2zm2nAKIIWoHO8X4nuY17prYQUBEexOkHVVrCsDF0m2zalAleYoVCVSuUuILE_HBx2vQ5IzNRA8s2lV3cEqIwQljdK-aufWCAcRmOpoWcsapgreSgC_Wfy-FdTOmvxfM40/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-82625974973880502012018-08-05T18:27:00.001-07:002018-08-05T18:27:51.456-07:00Impact<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When I think of the loss of our boy, I also think about the impact he had. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">On me. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Us. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The special needs community. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The world. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Sometime in 2011/2012, we decided to pick up the camera and film our life as we found ways to teach Kreed. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Communication. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Life skills. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Play skills. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">About this world. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We filmed him whether he was happy or angry or sad or hoppy. We didn’t feel a need to sensor our experience as I’m sure many in the world wished we would. Because that was our life, even if he was trying to slam his head into his knee or floor or give me kisses and ask for five guys. I never wanted to diminish our experience by only posting the good. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">At that point in time, there were few videos of people using an AAC device. There were few providers that knew how to teach it, at least for a kid like Kreed. We bought a device off eBay after we found the state supplied one had run its course and I was tired of recording my own voice ha. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And so it began. We found a speech therapist that finally, finally could guide us and we took off. And Tobii Dynavox finally made a device tailor made for Kreed it seemed and his communication flew. And we filmed everything because Kreed had his communication device in every situation. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Through our filming, Kreed built up “fans” and people who loved to see what he would say next. Or hope. For the families who had no idea that communication was possible for a child or teen or adult like Kreed. All I ever wanted was for Kreed to live his best life and in doing so maybe we could make an impact on other families with severe autism. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We never knew this road would lead to his death, and our social media life would turn into grief writing and writing about loss. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But through it all, after the loss of our whole world, even two years later, I know Kreed made an impact in this world. At least for now, he isn’t forgotten. His lessons live on. He taught us so much- mostly how to truly live this life and take in everything around us and that anything is possible. He taught us to live without limits. And that will forever be the impact he left on this world and us. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_ff37_e75_4dbe_60d1" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirAcYT5Yt6yEskaDcePYHWBxhoq9ByJPEntKygQjfT5amMcj6Mnr1dWtXE_2Qdqw6BUEcu6727fclTRYidhweMjcYvwOkqbhaQssxU4nyuvikKWqVAIMt0deRdnvuKzHm6VGwIwtyRyjs/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_3ce7_61b2_8ff2_cfb" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjcBhTf2vRVj18V5vq9JwygUPZv5IfwG7p4KHFIkDdUwHt4pj7fHdRFoOljzNRBrVAxT5RAlWj6POSML9DEPwe-epkoo18-UQfw5VPrgEyUTSJbl3H-T5niHYySarRs02FRmCBKqparBI/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_6f1a_851d_5b43_5b77" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg56fJSjb0v76YJRI7Y7rtUi9Sek0bq97LAmLCajfERpoPxwWqckviHdTlfMcVyyElA9HQmdTKzetFqMn5FlFOgje2W7nRb_lMROQip8EQ7X4Q5DnGoALgNFWSYgzaOyzzvSxaJm1DCTCU/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_6f22_e8b3_721f_7cc1" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsXk_HICnmUEn6QQMycP0yPmhYB9brUoXfFeJHZ7iapj4Km4F-8ljeVSH2-SbKd4HZLuAxoMEusXSc2mghd_Qd720ksZDCi8cwABzUIBa_Cm_3vknQ2L3MXh9pWbbOQD-cg_5kGgTCB0M/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_12dc_cb18_1b72_a4db" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAbo2VMOqYq0JnVfoAIlrjp3y-ohJfTWqouxgR_Z6JKg8x345TOeMyZqUpSCcGACipfRvexJGo-0zLsEwBcsAThv2qcfMW8zMXkzXnPGra_RfCNj_Z3uwBcXgi3GMJbdFf5CTKuPbkHkE/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_82f2_25d3_d0c6_5de5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1BzQoQ642O9EP0B1DcTTwA3VFvNzjnaVSixbBbkrswWDFBvHuhRCeSEr4oYeOgS7d-6toyDBEOmKXmbRUJ6bb5vLKWQ6anc_BNVtdPBjh7OuNaUbbtS-68VWhn9JFon2uGXbVyHbJdSA/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_fb31_36a3_de6d_7268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv86gXQHVySC_OZQg9njnn-kHHUhaxSW11NjlL3LiDy-3Te_5hKwINnm9uzflxidI5FCeujuLyJp6JgCoAlps8TH84-gSz7fPMjh-8kFlDJYYLokTXAYo8phpeQ0DBkCIEV_YN3DdvFyU/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_6618_f2a6_10be_e820" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPjRMSOgnbWWc9Fxh3xLw5SfjYHKjk-2B5iji80y_Fo24MsYPWeUWAVxokPpsAylH9Wc1aqDgF0YLe_e2ajaethdp-VFghepP8qlzRFiKf92tGnxU4q-JvG5UpJ1I3Hczb3KFkREMi0W0/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_81d8_3878_7b66_7b8a" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgagVE4B0c0IybtuAzL3lAh_UPynWIqmaYC7OzL2RnsZfcEZJkbzAMD6tbQDpObaWwTg_bHIZfViZMITolwWht-Nkb73W3atx9WhQEBL_h6ZEzmlosRkCiV6FXcnT0A2aRDpBfdGChCdjo/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-64836512945134913082018-08-05T18:25:00.001-07:002018-08-05T18:25:17.438-07:00Secondary Loss<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-Edna St. Vincent Millay</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">So many people fail to realize all of the loss that goes with losing your child and a special needs child at that. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There is the loss of your child, your whole world. For us, it’s been a loss of identity as well. We were Kreed’s parents. Period. Raising this beautiful boy with everything we had and more. Our life literally revolved around him and his needs. Until one day there were no more needs to be met. And we were left with ourselves and no one can imagine what that is like after so long of meeting a child’s needs- more so for Carie and the entire 18 years of meeting his needs. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Support systems. From losing an entire half of a family who didn’t seem to understand what this loss meant and how it devastated us, to the special needs community to the medical community, and even social media family. Everyone was used to our darling boy and following his dimples and amazingness to now following posts like this about grief. And now we stand on the outside of a special needs community that we were once so active in, trading stories or help or support. Now. Now we are on the outside because we are their fear, that one day they too could lose their child. We are the harsh reality of what it can ultimately mean to parent a special needs child. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I lost the years I thought I had with our boy. What I was going to teach him. Where I was going to take him. Things I dreamed of doing as he got older, and I thought also better. The life I thought he would live also having access to cannabis and feeling so much better. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">So much loss wrapped up in the loss of our boy. For us, it’s been everything. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Even two years later we still feel those losses. We are still picking up the pieces of our shattered lives the day he left us. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_9e99_cdc8_ee7d_ddca" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJirHVHBESefX0Vo7q_Jd7KaWkxt9FUoBeHyOMOrtPZ6D9XLgec3GCWTH-joHIS2RZHC6opAiv-kviNkXww2whhI8SgALorpf2qhtMw8cxyAuTdcKzQfpm0nIuNxiLuuk49MahcIIliWo/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_b508_ccda_8fe2_7e55" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_MtYl3qKFRMWzmAh-lCDLCqEGsF1V0kTtUlh-SKvXcwBKydIXBzI22gdlJ3CwAMASQfgW2Lk2s8VJPn_QGCpx_toIAWJ9zbEjHpGc2ySJelkSHSGegCIrHjMyMr6ThFOVOjicQw0LiSE/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_58ac_a465_e05b_e8f5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3xGFAeeQhwnK1hommLVMOkAucTTPKyczshtrV7jovprThdZwv7rNBPWEBVYAWlVF39dfbwJgMqT1If-AKZE7hWBO56_77wAjeFhpu0zlStQ-Z3wNMGeApQj21mtVzSBOJfA9fG2Pqvf8/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_6b44_fc5d_6a8a_dbeb" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh708RYEt1q9NVoj8ORXoY3zmEbpok2LlCdulYFLcZF8HIpcVzyGMvS6aAnrsFcuO27tMB3Wdkic_Px288fDwvw0bgPjl5fCOKRtR3_GvzyfqGgjZr6k3bc4UemIxpssGDw-9_q1Z4l2_I/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_2e55_3c88_3177_2e99" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXu6d1eeztu4mzhPvJnpkuJfAxkmgXfULXSfF40ujwLiId1jbJFeVPDbpLLsgB4d1mRhISn9rnGyC_ECiI7UWYaxidPmXJa8wypPRtQLKfjd06ExHjUTC4NsgJfDN9aW-gwbd-Lf5Exmw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_aa85_9b78_cc85_f780" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgABDD46NT0TqoBr_vURvK_N1evixH5exCIhxo7WC9k0nos3HdV5UWcTyYHEDPi-aXz2uYwt8Y1ISzJHyDjdnRTOSnDpQWqdE5MFe3Rb8QEXaUeyUXGXa4d7Yl6vbLHkGQra4H3bL0nlUY/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-3752652171967006872018-08-05T18:22:00.001-07:002018-08-05T18:22:16.111-07:00Regret<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Kurt Vonnegut</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Regret. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What do I regret in this grief? Never dressing him up in a tuxedo and going out for a fancy meal. Man I would have first loved to see him look so handsome and second, peoples faces at the restaurant 😂</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not hiking more. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not going to his favorite places more. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not knowing what was really wrong in 2014 when he started laying on the floor. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not understanding megaloblastic anemia and listening to the geneticist that said it was no big deal. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Listening to all the doctors who told us it was fine when it wasn’t. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The majority of my regrets come from what we didn’t know but I wish I did. We weren’t doctors but we figured out what was wrong with him often before they did. Except for the final terminal diagnosis that has been coming like a tidal wave and we were completely unaware until it smacked us down. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We gave our boy the best life we could and showed him the world. But the regret still comes, ebbs and flows with the remains of that tidal wave. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yet another thing we live with after loss. And people can say it’s okay, you gave him a great life. I know we did, that is not the cure for regret. Nothing is. Just like with grief, regret is it’s friend that we carry. No matter where we are or what we do or how we feel, regret stays as we live this duality. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">After the loss of a child, we do live in this duality forever. And it’s okay. It’s the coming to peace with it, the accepting that reality and acknowledging its existence that’s hard. After two years I see it, know it and live with it. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Regret. It is what it is and there are things I wish we had done and wish we had known. But at the end of the day, I always know we did do the best we could. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_5be2_888f_add8_589e" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC9sXZ0dMYVoqbd80-XD7faJrruoM-JFUCmIQXluHr4e2JKbn1g2Qwz4gJRIhPN0oPJJKuO0ksgHvIAPK0t7YHWlfkFYcQAQ8Tz7xaQtkbIQu3l_DFsfDLLdXR5lTGN5IADZ4YOl5uv28/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_6984_8652_27c5_afef" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU36E4bMMSuDytkNrzB0xhACMTqR5OgEtb9ZW-GDcKmsOR55bCehM9wGG1wHWDcdprk3SZVvZFXHApubCsrbJJ6SCdpY9hFM0qxTzq0Kdw7m6KKdP4Hflgl4bRwXHymAHotR8TNbRbZGc/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_e455_4042_4ea6_a403" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFFJNWYMIWyl_ppoHA2Yy3pA5ikOhGADm7M-NTbdfqIVeyKCYVjL9b8Vnv_Zn3JHR6X1nfTNNbBeJmc4VxZ4JAKNAJOTXbgSm8AII9oYqG5-ekhQCaFE_2rXcFWE9sH2sBqpQFH1caNLk/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_4f1b_375e_ec7b_81b1" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtvsirgMyHukWRN-AwgjQjOsj_fkxwxl1QpYDPCjUnOOLRYmajLyR9hHLAH4hS7awcl-Qo9JbXW_KPj1yqJ_BAER34mhVIoHVA142BplYoNLN_H31UXY2ME5A5FHfEjBngsv6Iv7qUPN0/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_edc9_1ef8_d03c_3c19" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWJ3kBGWD_5WiBH0HlsIbfbFaBiuZ9mxpXv0bOqLeYIXTbBPiY28cPHj6R8jMxvnqBg2UjpD1UEqf3TN2mlXPPQSjApaZX5oryuXq2Iw60GTBTr5uri8P2cipzHanaaB5wQzNSws6NLzU/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_e99a_8fd_897e_758a" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJciv6XVolx-eedLUGCdhix0TP_SjpO0q7AwpNtkh-sXVJTOJqrWU5w-IKKiW3kz_VRqLmFh9oZJkZcUvEdDi2MhWb9ODf5EFpWsp6AVM4zBEXtJX6QloPEwG4jgfFUYrF-7w-kGrjqBM/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_16d7_3906_9c9c_d59b" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7fHVkrVMPTesQW9BAoK2-CYGzJDI4WlLhNAhAr-zTA_OlDgGkYWGtI_AmMdMcDYP8YM_4ozoVOC420ahjQibul2R42bvWjKIak8uWkJ9wh39e1opcEX4yob7pyFa_Bdm7NZoVBw8M4kY/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_cb8a_75c3_7b87_9c69" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMu2IFdb6xoZ39HjM7hNS9nCU1aSYSynACQjyqAWydmKfn-4xlH3vs-CAPUMgKHWN46L2Jz7zydkqpPeiGfbetKp_e8xaafSMbyz9TTs-Sm513oSBUbAvkMDuOEEeBP9gnTesch23QbgM/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-83184471782769497152018-08-05T18:17:00.001-07:002018-08-05T18:17:34.660-07:00Connection<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There is new life in the soil for every man. There is healing in the trees for tired minds and for our overburdened spirits, there is strength in the hills, if only we will lift up our eyes. Remember that nature is your great restorer.</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">~ Calvin Coolidge</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Kreed went to nature often and was connected in ways I had never seen or even experienced. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We go now to connect again. With ourselves. This world. Everything. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For two years there was no connection to anything or anyone. But slowly it has come back. And yet, still connected to our boy too. He is the one who showed us this amazing natural world. And who taught us to connect to it. </span></p><img id="id_c2ee_2891_a01c_8c09" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijqqMzZ9ZjbYyhqzxOQLWkD_hsDuwlrW1Hm1wFcEC3IBCz83RPs78BtLiM5dJj5iYwrScYA4l6vYQUexBfZ76x8w4j_CHcnlMaepCgmY0CegcPNfwxyR5Q-jBQDKUuMnGtba0T8RfhG7g/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_bcd_3277_f8c2_5983" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha4PJbW2ys0iEFzzdogBef-1XSGvIKznwUrE9MZr0puHJ9sEhWDxbw-rlmV7TjJzltp6eUIuOV-3jQMryEqhpJD1pF08lLUk9R3lxhMMwJn64YOAX6XEqi0a7ACIh7XsDTPFx-M3iyhGM/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_f79d_dc0c_fd50_9031" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggqYe963kjvoRgHsGWIvOooPnACkBfjQgVC3wh2n_z_KmDjlb_e4Qj_bnyW6R-UIYawhJkkbDNNES4wAuT61EkkFIUosDSgJTdgN1ODso1a4trjOUq8ww00lc5nNWvSDvme0qZfOrBXlM/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_577a_b9d8_8701_7629" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvxjAnGUYFPKHkoAuLx8UsZgLwcioXEgHL4EOA3gSI8utOn0QW70TgSA26ouO63jkPaUF0V39h0-Zr8TkSCUEEV_zdBf4jhILg2fRwEslTAm2l2lX3xc2Ms-JKqF1Be0Jj7zBUPB-2nEY/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_d067_b15b_ce20_1f75" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFLegAPJuXFw82WucWuDSijJAyhBwfLjASXq7gh0v6vAOCSMOMdKnPFpIhU6p01LyLeZT_bTn2aSpFY2kT51eru5pjZEVAyRIQjBt54sMipUlvHKzf-G-MR-o7hQw-AcqJW5I979L7eiQ/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_c23b_f3e8_a62b_c0a2" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwDQLQk8gY4MgLPxOsE5j0tmMZYWhP_WfwB9yZXgftFIeFyXfSjXO57gY2pt-qIxN15iZ4eu5kioMhT9Xpae03-xndZ5rBHEzCsXhBpJnv8z_QdSyySKxWtrhVzrHTA2Ax3LiOQ9g_FgQ/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_9ff5_d11c_a60c_36cc" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPW7EEOEpxKcvyj5n238VlJBTOYMck550yeUbEBJ38YYZNJbFLHBsS0G1QDNXzwuBYDwYo0w6OJyxv68_vmsK44oMjNDrH3i2kVYEV0R4HSRddSJLbKgG7VmzUJWrsqOQoacN0zt7NOVU/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_ed97_be90_67e4_9529" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDKW4e6Iz7qMkcargZfL8Md2NXQdqMy9_ay0UJhXVva-cNUs8O2p33TxFE0uLGgSzbexRmX083MUwyf49-JVe5FFIIMMq9rgkn-Pq99CP2fUnao2J3qPjjyjpY8pAjZHspfp7eZKwo7sY/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_b860_974_b694_b6ff" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihFoWGWs-DIkv7JTy1-mZKZtZAGF4Kr4hwTEdh75JJJC1NIFRXRmFxRzVcNP1wORL-W3hD1HSl7JbDETMuN-WSyEC30ePgfdeykw963tBo-SihrGnTM3YTb14qHLoOJdV9Mo_TBqP4ORw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-15244330148654648002018-08-05T18:14:00.001-07:002018-08-05T18:14:32.647-07:00Beginnings <p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish he was in these photos. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish he was here hopping down this trail. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish he was here to see this hawk. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Or deer. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Or rabbit. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Or mountain. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Or sunshine. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish he was climbing this mountain with me. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish he was feeling these cool breezes. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish he was finding these creeks with us. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I wish. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But this is life now. Taking these hikes and capturing these views, these animals and taking in the scent of nature. Without him. Without my buddy. The center of our world. He was the center of all my photos before. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is my grief now. In photography. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Alone. But not alone. But still in the places he loved where we can feel again. Both great pain and sorrow but a new kind of happiness as well. If you can say happy while you are missing so fiercely. Our life goes on and his does not. We find a new life without him. We know this sorrow will now always exist no matter what we do and are coming to a peace with it. The duality of our existence is this life now and another beginning. Without our boy. This is our grief. This is our daily beginnings. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_a9c6_fd6e_8abf_8c2" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5yvTsstg5sOY-mrb2tF5-V1nOaRaKItmFGgsye9UWhCeQwDbnfTk5DC1lBGJxnmbX2ATX4tEt9Ex-m40yKKU_XQ7I47TGZQfu0Cu71ha8qR6xp2IjYmA5SmuTN2UkANQ-b3suHR5RK6A/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_4952_e6a6_ab7c_ca3d" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-M1Ee0rXMp34ghSXPJRggYfG8na7xVlLdq-ak4UvwTK482LpBv7EF1VLwQA0Ai_rJajddXHZ4xkR-8CEvPb3FhJH7vznjDpY8ZvAsaEgKsEpfiQA3vtSoJAZhITmdwhR5HtBkGwNIY5Y/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_7830_9bd2_1790_7981" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_nq5dWm70dntYEQrZVJSbBOe-0n3RejAfZq5THKlEu2vPlrcGuQq1A7oZ95MeEMvNjGOUVLObJ2okSIT47zoovDUy76FquRpK7CnzkHium20nCRo30y2AEkUbbcvSoA6Sl_08rw-cI-Y/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_f72a_26ea_f7d1_175a" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIpdDDWppg0yurSBhoHHKT_8bj9oxzrr9jXdFbjdtDsJpJ6tbR_T06I7H6DH6yzCfO7q69p5XRkq4yxwTi_zjXHkX3UIxs0i_OFHghpVRRI2Ks1GyHW_GKzE7OPe2C9QMilBRmPVHi-uQ/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_3693_7214_2434_4538" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLXRHPn0xcJafeAqXP7tFPy1u6LQ98EHHBQzxw9qkuj4ghILoUBg8rwOq3QZy1Y_-XCdEU1LXFslqYoiuQRKFWFfTr2hcfqGU1qRJrS8q5xN9y1hfwWkwgQCZydZtUBS_YRw5zf3ZWWSc/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_d80_fe1b_8bf3_d3ac" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvx2l8iBzsRx_ReY0VqU1gwU539RYiFHCe371vNpaaDpMD1EgHc9DKgqj-i-kd_qhQsAG7dt0V3Dlk4qW2l1yDqCSjIzempUCrXzTClgZwHs4S4UGf1zjz0lci_RkqNNSj_44SiLV_haY/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-52695565708513330692018-07-11T15:22:00.001-07:002018-07-11T15:22:37.225-07:00Grief is Not Linear<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There came a point with Kreed where we couldn’t be angry at our life. Kreed’s life was a thousand times harder than we could imagine. Anger wasn’t useful but if we instead focused on what we could teach him to be more successful in his life and love his life, then our life would also improve. We couldn’t change the fact life was hard for him, but we could do everything in our power to make things better. To give him a life he would love. Because we aren’t promised tomorrow. And tomorrow didn’t come one day for him and I’m so thankful we chose life and live over anger and hopelessness. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">So he wouldn’t speak out of his mouth, or be independent with daily living skills. But he would tube on a river. He would use a device to tell me the things he loved. He would do a thousand other things, most of which people said he would never do. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Autism didn’t mean the end of hope. It didn’t need to be some profound loss. Profound loss is having them lose their tomorrow’s. It’s a world where we get to take our children and show them how to live. To do the things that make them happy. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We also never felt sorry for ourselves. We could do things Kreed would never be able to do and live an independent life. To speak everything we are thinking out of our mouth and not relying on a machine and having to be taught how to say all the things in our head. How could we feel sorry for ourselves when there is this sweet boy in front of us that needed to be shown the world and how to co-exist within it, with the majority of people never understanding him. We couldn’t change the world for him. And we didn’t want to change who he was. But we could teach him to be happy to exist in this world. And in the end, I think we very much gave him a happy existence. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Did Kreed rage with a rage I’ve still never seen from anyone else on this earth, yes. But those were moments. Moments of immense pain and suffering. And when they were over, our boy was still here wondering what we were doing next. He didn’t wait to see if his rage affected me in some way. His moment was over and he lived through it and was grateful and ready to eat as many French fries as I would let him. He was the true essence of living moment by moment. So we didn’t get caught up in the anger and the hurt at our life or the moments I had to do things no parent should have to do with their kids and the restraints I had to learn to keep him safe. But it was what it was and when it was over, it was back to the living that needed to be done. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And now that our boy ran out of tomorrow’s, I have an endless amount of days to ponder our life and what we did...or didn’t do. But I have far less regrets than most. I regret not dressing him up in a tux and taking him to a fancy meal, just because. I regret not taking him twice a year to my parents for tubing on the river instead of just once. I regret not having the chance to take him white water rafting. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But I don’t regret the life we lived and the things we had to do to get him to a happy state with this world. I never cared about the stares from people when I had to teach him that eating out at a restaurant was a fun thing or shopping at a store meant getting his food or stuff too. Even when he decked me over and over in parking lots and I kept taking him back over and over until the day he was like oh- I don’t need to fight you here- this place is the bomb. And the moment he realized that grocery stores carried avocados that made “guacamole.” He realized this place, this world didn’t need to be an unknown. That it could be okay. And he got a shit ton more if he went to the store with me haha. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The better we made his life, the better our life was. And the more he taught us. About living in the moment. The beauty of nature. The depths of our soul. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And now, now all I have is time. To think. Reflect. Live. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And try to remember that anger shouldn’t have a place at the table today. Our boy did live one hell of a life. And while regret does eat at me for the medical things I know was missed and I didn’t know enough until it was too late, I have to remember these are moments. There are times for these moments but then I need to pick myself up and rejoin the living world. And sometimes I wonder if this is what nature did for our boy. The connection he had to this natural world, straight out of Mary Oliver’s poems, kept him grounded in a way I’ll never understand but I try to. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Grief is not linear. And it’s not a plural experience. It’s singular, meant for each person alone. This is mine. My way through the pain and hell of losing this amazing boy who has the power to change lives and teach us things I still can’t comprehend. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And this is my moment today. Amongst these trees. This sun. These rocks. This bird. This deer. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Messenger</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My work is loving the world. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird - </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">equal seekers of sweetness. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Are my boots old? Is my coat torn? </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">keep my mind on what matters, </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">which is my work,</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">which is mostly standing still and learning to be </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">astonished. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The phoebe, the delphinium. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">and these body-clothes, </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">a mouth with which to give shouts of joy </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam, </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">telling them all, over and over, how it is </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">that we live forever. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">- The Messenger, Mary Oliver</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_c5f_2dd1_899_86c6" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPfMKlRqO8oDY7-7GSIw4PLpt5SOMg_L77Mrsies45g_RhR32PYsKtox56fOMmrmHMjmMrAKRzqYSMwzEJSRPZEgpGzKppJVcsIDA4nDeE8oKFXAfGrKm0GXeu5W4MyuhRy5EUf-vOoZY/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_30c_5bdc_1809_c49f" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFI7DwLINOFvLZDWCuMYRPEqc_Muk-c0ALCx_VHGAVcf_dh2_Kt_xwxQ_NX4mXXnHxGVar7h8jwFLghU4q0xQ5xg-M01NAtZmiFLP1Y6tIeY-GwBr_khJbGWjRiDkscizYPqzis69nehM/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_a37f_75e8_403a_ab8b" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTRmRSE-J7z28KOsRrXkwPMtNXj_a-q424mGNVxXYEL58PexDW87UwWsPAOZbaPSK2b8eC4Ch9P1rKKBTSv84rCyyU_EIv8Kj3y_2S7ClPJ6LrqymwEVaVxnoNeQU3u18XEaXiTxniJ44/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_9ba6_c295_2080_1947" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpYKAVXm2WCzFP_zMQFs16nREL0GGsAu2X25Joa9cmFMJo560ihpWyj88h5-TiM5WKaMgFYmqm8rE98TB9Y-9EqC0u1omLCXlvpV1h_914hc16ycW9o4CAB5DtJajRdEgYEle3Cn3EqfM/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_a743_4f13_5c6d_7fa" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRA1krQ3Np-AFHZlLPADZ27zpGg23yR2P3bt91dtvBtC7j8BwMOuRIgZyFNMIhAr6hIjUNlBzaHjZPa8jlUmRRgMW0X7MyCG74vS8eTcZYtkam0biKg51vOYRV2SVmRr8mKRQJ5NnQr_o/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_3aa6_f841_ea22_43df" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8Qkek50hrFeSNAJ11UeoWbMei3DJlpJSMmaVfZ04fW7ZRB_ymanHr6M4T0JWnPuj43sFAIOv6jcKbIkbfggI336bAJXUmL-LBVq8Q9noZ7HuqnX-DU6F_sdErkTHNF_wwpacUdG45AtU/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-33740214649809271672018-07-02T09:43:00.001-07:002018-07-02T09:43:32.161-07:00Ramble Home<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">“Pay attention. Be astonished. And tell about it. We’re soaked in distractions. The world didn’t have to be beautiful. We can and should think about that beauty and be grateful.” - Mary Oliver</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">The world was just too busy. Is too busy. Sometimes you need to take a step back and come back to the natural world. I went off line. Kreed’s Page went off line. I know many noticed, but for a moment in time, we needed to step back to ourselves without feeling the weight of the world. Of grief. Of memories. Of here and there and being pulled everywhere. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I needed to notice more. Feel more. See more. Be more. Connect again. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">If Kreed taught us anything, it was to love this world that we live in and do more than just breathe a little. But take in the scent of the pine and aspen, sunflowers and daisy’s. Stand in awe at the majestic mountains before us and feel at peace with ourselves. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">It’s amazing what you notice when you listen without all the noise of the world. Kreed was connected to this world in a way most of us could only dream of. He was able to just be himself without the noise of the world. Without the weight of the world. With all the joy he could muster. I lived that life with him when he was here and what a world we created and enjoyed. The adventures we went on. The things we dreamed up to do. He taught me to dream and to be wild and free. He taught all of us. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And I want to continue to honor his memory. His legacy. He will not be forgotten. His journey will not have been in vain. But it always means I need to remember to be connected, to filter out the noise of this world, to remember what’s important. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">“When I walk out into the world, I take no thoughts with me. That’s not easy, but you can learn to do it. An empty mind is hungry, so you can look at everything longer, and closer. Don’t hum! When you listen with empty ears, you hear more. And this is the core of the secret: Attention is the beginning of devotion.”</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">- Attention, Mary Oliver</span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">My attention was pushed and pulled and spun around until I didn’t know which way was up. But this time away, I gave my attention to the things that needed attention. I gave myself to this world, listening in a way I had not listened before. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And now here we are, rambling back home. This page is a home in a way. Kreed’s memory still rings strong and true here. You all watched him grow up into such an amazing young man and then watched him fight for the life he so loved. Now we talk about his life and our grief and the ways in which we grieve. The story of our grief is not a story I ever wanted to tell, but it is our life and our life with Kreed now. It is the truth, as it always has been about him. </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">So here we are returning, listening in a different way, grieving still but continuing onward. And remembering our boy and honoring his life. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches?</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">by Mary Oliver</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);">
</p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Have you ever tried to enter the long black branches of other lives --<br>
tried to imagine what the crisp fringes, full of honey, hanging<br>
from the branches of the young locust trees, in early morning, feel like?<br>
<br>
Do you think this world was only an entertainment for you?<br>
<br>
Never to enter the sea and notice how the water divides<br>
with perfect courtesy, to let you in!<br>
Never to lie down on the grass, as though you were the grass!<br>
Never to leap to the air as you open your wings over the dark acorn of your heart!<br>
<br>
No wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint<br>
that something is missing from your life!<br>
<br>
Who can open the door who does not reach for the latch?<br>
Who can travel the miles who does not put one foot<br>
in front of the other, all attentive to what presents itself<br>
continually?<br>
Who will behold the inner chamber who has not observed<br>
with admiration, even with rapture, the outer stone?<br>
<br>
Well, there is time left --<br>
fields everywhere invite you into them.<br>
<br>
And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away<br>
from wherever you are, to look for your soul?<br>
<br>
Quickly, then, get up, put on your coat, leave your desk!<br>
<br>
To put one's foot into the door of the grass, which is<br>
the mystery, which is death as well as life, and<br>
not be afraid!<br>
<br>
To set one's foot in the door of death, and be overcome<br>
with amazement!<br>
<br>
To sit down in front of the weeds, and imagine<br>
god the ten-fingered, sailing out of his house of straw,<br>
nodding this way and that way, to the flowers of the<br>
present hour,<br>
to the song falling out of the mockingbird's pink mouth,<br>
to the tippets of the honeysuckle, that have opened<br>
<br>
in the night<br>
<br>
To sit down, like a weed among weeds, and rustle in the wind!<br>
<br>
Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?<br>
<br>
While the soul, after all, is only a window,<br>
<br>
and the opening of the window no more difficult<br>
than the wakening from a little sleep.<br>
<br>
Only last week I went out among the thorns and said<br>
to the wild roses:<br>
deny me not,<br>
but suffer my devotion.<br>
Then, all afternoon, I sat among them. Maybe<br>
<br>
I even heard a curl or two of music, damp and rouge red,<br>
hurrying from their stubby buds, from their delicate watery bodies.<br>
<br>
For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,<br>
caution and prudence?<br>
Fall in! Fall in!<br>
<br>
A woman standing in the weeds.<br>
A small boat flounders in the deep waves, and what's coming next<br>
is coming with its own heave and grace.<br>
<br>
Meanwhile, once in a while, I have chanced, among the quick things,<br>
upon the immutable.<br>
What more could one ask?<br>
<br>
And I would touch the faces of the daises,<br>
and I would bow down<br>
to think about it.<br>
<br>
That was then, which hasn't ended yet.<br>
<br>
Now the sun begins to swing down. Under the peach-light,<br>
I cross the fields and the dunes, I follow the ocean's edge.<br>
<br>
I climb, I backtrack.<br>
I float.<br>
I ramble my way home.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">- Mary Oliver</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69);"><img id="id_5232_a7e8_4b82_9d4f" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRplo8602Kne4ntPTHseVDsbgOpOO8q_koPdRuljzxgBwg5b3jaWNkHtkanTRMj8Ai87L8pmL1zrUmulD_Hb4A84A6dDUeAcG0f0uMVIryRlOgTq8Wpz5IEsjFqX8V9PEiXgCksRlnaNQ/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_34ea_30a3_7fab_212a" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq0pFgo2rwyXOry2YSz3d7ZYxpLDB88osHJliJxUG5lxI4JWUWMKC9v-gUQaCqZe1KzjEzFJhyH8QkYNyJJSdaJ8s6UpYflkNr1jR2eTdCApk_iFtqJkDp-mP1J-QD0ch5zbhIdcEQypU/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_c85b_8ce5_3b99_8986" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMeaCxO0lYwzUVatRRIH6CUF4VbdQTR0x6Xala9iMQt_T1Mw0bpSa4B5G7Ne3-Pun5nEP7P10VZRzKE8_vAvK3q7iyn0rseyL2tQZo_h0u21JEPPKAi-0Wt_faau_pe7ICfIGRH4bL6TM/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_5239_16b_ed75_344d" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ-_kA80chpAlxmlqHugBT_VEoKDheW_9YyhLBATjiZz8TkRed4JToTHISPdAuJtjXYRmkV6r1dJNeeRpk9ThWBi4fuMeztVPSsTXQ4QLG-I9IR8JipqvFGPfT4c7V-iZNhyphenhyphenxMt0GnqFQ/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_b0ea_5cfa_69db_a982" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTW0DFevlfjwu02v8k70pRIKBR31F8ymzJSvDcG_s4zwgwpO561tXLH0ytCNGbYsWddE3n4TBUdvIqM0ueQgpb8lHEdz1UfV-rM8ElDz3nkbjIcUy1-lLsMJz9f-BcCXevn0eH3-FcjLs/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_1c4a_e2de_75c2_9824" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ0g6nh_ps_7qdDVPSbRUWYt0zB_KuzPsh0qcTVE3JzyGfPY8HqLH50H-murWer5usPoAm0NODlzVmGPwi5EHtNhUsC6OZIp2lRffm7zD04_tiityjEYd-iyLI1SWwn1I0Y0SZRLV4KD4/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_e254_d25b_62bf_bc01" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkMVMRueSYNEM724pyvn9pCb9vFbtkgJrb757qPgx4cCn1xgNjobwCbrMJgnguAyENo6OnU36cnab0bcfE-qISmYYpskATjI0Xo9bJxg5xWHaT4blsRpMfaYaCwmYAvGD5doNOkHFbVPA/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_4153_7c6_2c40_6054" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUDr3kGxnlrGoM2r0UW0ZspsEsJaLKwvkuM5TOIfWb2Et9iJrLfjQ21EdJtIaFQkV2YYM3VmtMzXSzhyphenhyphenkxOzONA7FoUcqBPoAblM4vg-_fcPo0r6UgDOwX2yQoaxoRc26WPnidErS269Q/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_47b5_e24c_3f07_74b5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqE0cu4fL4iMiJEe-8cZuehwDIRqK8mTnegn_-Uy93v6Lab-b8vWSCJ2vRwa5OHJKLvd5to8Gwx-f8_e9XJpoZ6J5V4S37yS7muCn4jljn15p5GbKiaB200TMIJjziK9AdxmYKN5Afo0o/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_18ff_71d9_1650_849f" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht2DczvdRBEyENOSUqH8-oc8pqp6mLmR2cYyjGFlrPNW-UhjQym1Ka53wTBcr9bCeygWqSV2e73-YJy9uIIXZOEZTEA_D5UECzmc1ayOl9KUDcRGMV5JASnNoJ9T0CyDbXKb9K3Adc064/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"><br></span></p> Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-45207877884259682062018-06-27T20:39:00.001-07:002018-06-27T20:39:51.013-07:00Love what you love<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">You do not have to be good.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">You do not have to walk on your knees</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">You only have to let the soft animal of your body </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">love what it loves.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Meanwhile the world goes on.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">are moving across the landscapes,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">over the prairies and the deep trees,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">the mountains and the rivers.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">are heading home again.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">the world offers itself to your imagination,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">over and over announcing your place</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">in the family of things.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">- Wild Geese, Mary Oliver</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I think about this poem a lot. And Kreed. And the love he had for this world. The way in which he lived in this world. And I think of other kids with autism, other disabilities and the way they clash with what this world wants them to be. All we ever wanted for Kreed was to be happy. To enjoy his life. His existence. To live in this world in a way that worked for him. And for the world. I never saw the two as mutually exclusive. If he wanted to hop through a store, he hopped through a store because who was I to dictate how he wanted to walk through a store. Or in his case hop. And express his joy. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Now, running away and knocking over everything in his path, that wasn’t happy, joyful or conducive to this life. So we showed him another way. Where he could both be himself and be in this world. And I would never have changed that for one single second. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">And I think about being “good” and what does that even mean? Kreed was good. In so many ways most people are not. He was kind in ways people could not imagine. He lived in ways most people could never even dream of. And he raged in ways most people will never even comprehend. It was a clash of a boy knowing his body wasn’t working right and desperately just wanting to be happy and to feel the good in this world again. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">He just wanted to live in this world and experience everything good this world had to offer. To experience the opening of a flower, the feel of leaves as they rush by your hand. And a taste too. To sit and feel the wind as it gently whips around your body. To feel the sunlight kiss the skin. If this world would stop for a second and see these things, I think we would all be in a better place. To just be. Even for a moment. Without the rush of the world, deadlines and people wanting things from you. To just be. Amongst the stars. The moon. The deer. The rabbit. The dandelions. The sun flowers. The pine. The aspen. With the whispers of the river. The roar of the waterfall. To just be. To just love. To exist. To live. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">This was our boy. And the way in which he existed. And the lessons he always taught me. And the way I want to continue to honor our boy through everything I do. And to write about his life and what it meant. And our grief and how we experience it. And love and how we feel it. </span></div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-36472552726765500452018-06-18T07:28:00.002-07:002018-06-18T07:28:12.868-07:00Grief Changes Everything <div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">For years, every morning, I drank</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">from Blackwater Pond.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">It was flavored with oak leaves and also, no doubt,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">the feet of ducks.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And always it assuaged me</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">from the dry bowl of the very far past.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">What I want to say is</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">that the past is the past,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and the present is what your life is,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and you are capable</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">of choosing what that will be,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">darling citizen.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">So come to the pond,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">or the river of your imagination,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">or the harbor of your longing,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and put your lips to the world.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And live</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">your life.</span></div>
<ul>
<li style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Mary Oliver, Mornings at Blackwater</span></li>
</ul>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Live your life. Seems like such a simple notion. Until death knocks at your door and then blows you down so far you don’t know which way is up. And you feel like you can’t breathe, gasping for air. Gasping for an air you know your child will never breathe again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Time moves on, slowly, and suddenly you find yourself into a third year without your sweet boy. Have we lived these three years? Have we only just survived? Are we broken? Are we together in this? Are we hearts of stone? Where is our heart? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Grief makes you wonder so many things. It makes you question everything. Your existence. A higher power. Your life. Your love. Your everything. And when you lose someone like Kreed who loved everything and wanted this life, your left broken in ways that can never be understood. And you question life in ways no one would think to. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">“That the past is the past,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and the present is what your life is,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and you are capable</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">of choosing what that will be...”</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Our present exists while at the same time knowing our boys does not. He now only exists in the past. He exists only in memory. We don’t have one more day, one more second, one more moment. We used them all up until they are gone. We had to say goodbye knowing it was the last goodbye we would ever give him. And we spend our life with regrets for things we will never get to say or do. And no one can understand those regrets like we do or could possibly understand why we have regrets. When you give someone a final goodbye there are still a thousand things you wished. Wished to say. Wished to do. Wished to be. Wished. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">The finality if death can kill you if you let it. That’s the reality of grief. The guilt. The regret. It can eat you up and spit you out and then do it all over again. Time does not matter. The death seems like yesterday. It never doesn’t feel like yesterday. Time does nothing for this pain. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">But live our life. That is what we must do. We have to take it moment by excruciating moment. And somehow, someway come to an agreement with yourself that you will live with the duality. Of such pain and loss, but still life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Death forces you to examine your life. Who you were, who you are, who you will become. None of those are the same person. But you need to come to an acceptance of all three. And can you love again? Can you breathe again? Can you feel again? Each breath is painful, each one exists without our boy. But we breathe anyway. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And ultimately it’s up to us. To decide to breathe and keep on breathing and live and keep on living. To love and keep on loving. And be present and more than just a memory, no matter how painful. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Grief. Changes everything. Everything you thought you were and everything you thought you would be. And those that grief live a life others cannot possibly understand. And we live with a pain that will never be shown, yet permeates our entire being in everything we do. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">But we do it. We are here. We are broken in ways that can’t be mended. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">But we are here. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Breathing. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Loving. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Living. </span></div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-84336842586098678042018-05-19T20:32:00.000-07:002018-05-19T20:32:55.508-07:00Rave on<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">From the complications of loving you</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I think there is no end or return.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">No answer, no coming out of it.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Which is the only way to love, isn’t it?</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This isn’t a play ground, this is</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">earth, our heaven, for a while.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Therefore I have given precedence</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to all my sudden, sullen, dark moods</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">that hold you in the center of my world.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And I say to my body: grow thinner still.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And I say to my fingers, type me a pretty song.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And I say to my heart: rave on.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">– Mary Oliver, Thirst</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">That was the only way to love Kreed. Fully. With no end or return. And it was our heaven while he was here. We gave our everything for his life, so that he could experience a life, a good life, not just any ole life but one he felt with all his heart. We said to his heart to rave on despite having autism and less communication and a difficult medical journey and he took that and ran with it and loved his life and asked to experience everything. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">As a result we sit here in this grief, missing our boy and the emptiness left behind. How do you keep going on when everything you knew, and everything you gave and everything you had is just gone. In an instant. And no one can understand why we say live for a moment, live for today because you don’t know what the next moment will bring- because it’s so inconceivable that a life can be lost. Until you’re the one holding onto a human life as their heart beats their last beat. And you know in that instant that all you have is moments. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I will never regret the moments we had with Kreed and all that we gave to him to have the life he had. It wasn’t easy ever, but it was worth it. And the love was worth it even though now we lay in such ruin because we loved and lost. You will never ever regret loving someone too much and giving all of yourself. At the end of this life you’ll never say, “well damn, I just loved people and this life too much.” </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The consequence of great love is great grief. I have come to accept this, although all of my being rails against it. Accepting loss and that we will live the remainder of our days without him is unacceptable at its core. But the reality is that acceptance. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And so we miss him. With every fiber of our being. Sometimes I walk past his photo and want to break down and cry because the ache becomes all too much in that moment. And that is our reality that I have come to accept. </span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is our grief life now. And this is our hearts continuing to try and rave on in true Kreed style.</span></div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-83224353598487539902018-05-19T20:29:00.002-07:002018-05-19T20:29:18.822-07:00Loving the World<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I have not written a lot in the last year. Sometimes words are painful. Or rather putting down what I think and feel onto paper made it too real. But I realized this is necessary. Otherwise they stay inside my mind and eventually I suffocate from the weight of them all. But when I write them down, it frees them and my weight is lifted. So today starts anew and hoping I can continue to put my thoughts down. And as always, along with Mary Oliver who has given words to Kreed’s life and our grief. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">My work is loving the world.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird—</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> equal seekers of sweetness.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> keep my mind on what matters,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">which is my work,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">which is mostly standing still and learning to be</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> astonished.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The phoebe, the delphinium.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> and these body-clothes,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">a mouth with which to give shouts of joy</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">telling them all, over and over, how it is</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> that we live forever.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">-The Messenger, Mary Oliver</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This was Kreed. His work was loving the world. As a young boy he yearned to explore and be free in this world and as he learned how to be in this world, he loved it more and more with each new experience. Kreed didn’t want much- at home he wanted as little clothes as was acceptable, his favorite foods and love. In the community he just wanted to shop for good smelling stuff, freedom to hop through stores, find books or movies, sample as many everything free French fries as possible and experience as many things as possible. He just wanted to be. He just wanted to experience everything. And to love. Love us. Love his life. Love his adventure. Love nature. Loving just being in this world. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Which is what makes his death so damn hard. He LOVED, truly loved. And if you were around him you couldn’t help but love too. His death has left a gaping hole. The first year it was a deep dark pit that we all fell in. This year we are at least standing in it and looking over the sides and learning how to love on our own. Learning from him still. But it’s hard. And still feels so empty without him. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I miss seeing the way he saw the world. I miss the dimpled smiles for the simple things in life that no one else would notice. And the world keeps piling things up in this world as we deal with so many stressors. Even if we had these stressors before, when he was here, we were surrounded by his light and joy and that made all the difference. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So now...now we are learning the work of loving this world. I don’t know that we will ever be as successful as Kreed was in this, but for him, we will always try. </span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Always.</span></div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-79502660636143002222018-01-08T17:23:00.001-08:002018-01-08T17:23:52.662-08:00Among the Trees<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">When I am among the trees, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">especially the willows and the honey locust,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">they give off such hints of gladness.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I would almost say that they save me, and daily.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I am so distant from the hope of myself,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">in which I have goodness, and discernment,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and never hurry through the world</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but walk slowly, and bow often.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Around me the trees stir in their leaves</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and call out, “Stay awhile.”</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The light flows from their branches.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“and you too have come</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">with light, and to shine.”</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">- Mary Oliver, When I Am Among the Trees</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">It has been so long since I have been among the trees. Who knows why? Depression? Lack of energy. Lack of will. Not wanting to face myself or the world. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">These holidays have been killers and my memories have been coming and hitting me left and right without end. Even in my dreams. So I have been silent, lost in the pain of all of it. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">You never come to terms with the loss. Of that boy. That joy. That happiness. My buddy. This pain will always exist, that I know. That I have realized and begun to accept. But that doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t make it any easier to wake up each day and once again realize he’s not here and we must go through another day without his presence. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I still haven’t figured out how to have any kind of happiness, except that with Carie, without our boy. Everything is hard. Everything is different. I often feel lost. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hopeless. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Joyless. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Searching. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">What is my place in this world now? I don’t know. But I always feel a calling that it should be more. I should be more. I need to do more. I need to make his life count. I need to make our life count. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But this world. It’s go go go. We never get time to breathe. We never get time to find ourselves. This was one of Kreed’s greatest gifts to me- realizing that life was meant to be slowed down, and to walk among these trees and truly take them in. The smell. The wind gently rolling across our shoulders. The rustle of the leaves and animals. The air we breathe. All of it. He was able to do that and it renewed him often. These trees were his favorite place to be (besides Five Guys of course). And I loved how we stayed in those moments without a single other care in this world. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Since he’s been gone the world has not stopped. It has kept on spinning, tumbling and turning me every which way until some days I can no longer find which way is up. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And I yearn for him. To hear him. To play with him. Hike with him. Be with him. And no one- and I mean no one- except those who have lost their sweet child- know this kind of unending pain that we will never again have time with our child. And the excruciating pain it is to wake up each and every single day without them. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But these trees. When I finally come again, peace comes even if for a moment. My tears fall- or really I sob. Because it hurts so damn much. And these trees are where it’s safe to feel. And I search for him and for meaning. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I search for those moments I used to love with him. And allow the pain to come and consume and just be. No matter how much we try to stuff it down and pretend it’s not there, it is. It always is. We just choose to decide when to let it come or other times it choose when it needs to come. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So I come to these trees to allow it to come. Acknowledge it. And grieve. And grieve. And grieve. And try to remember to continue to do this. To remember him, honor him and grieve him.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-34832271068439193552017-12-15T09:20:00.002-08:002017-12-15T09:20:22.144-08:00Where are you<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Moon rose </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">full and without </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">compromise through the good </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">garden of leaves, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">here and there </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">stars rode in flickering </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">slicks of water </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and for certain </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the burly trees </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">hunched toward each other, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">their dark mantles </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">like the fur of animals </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">touching. It was </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">summer on earth </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">so the prayer </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I whispered was to no god </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but another creature like me. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Where are you? </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The wind stood still. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Lightning flung </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">its intermittent flares; </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">in the orchard </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">something wandered </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">among the windfalls, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">licking the skins, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">nuzzling the tunnels, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the pockets of seeds. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Where are you? I called </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and hurried out </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">over the silky sea </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">of the night, across </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the good garden of branches, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">leaves, water, down </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">into the garden </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">of fire. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This skin you wear so neatly, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">in which you settle </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">so brightly on the summer grass, how </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">shall I know it? </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">You gleam as you lie back </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">breathing like something </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">taken from water, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">a sea creature, except </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">for your two human legs </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">which tremble </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and open </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">into the dark country </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I keep dreaming of. How </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">shall I touch you </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">unless it is </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">everywhere? </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I begin </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">here and there, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">finding you, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the heart within you, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and the animal, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and the voice. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I ask </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">over and over </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">for your whereabouts, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">trekking wherever you take me, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the boughs of your body </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">leading deeper into the trees, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">over the white fields, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the rivers of bone, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the shouting, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the answering, the rousing </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">great run toward the interior, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the unseen, the unknowable </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">center. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">- Mary Oliver, The Gardens</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Where are you dear boy? This I have wondered for weeks and days. It does not matter where you are in your grief journey- there will be days, weeks, months and years that your soul suddenly aches for the missing with a new hunger for their touch, their voice, their smell, the feel of their beating heart. You search endlessly for them in the depth of your heart and must again accept that you will not find what you are searching for and you will not feel what you are missing. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I go to nature continually to find him. Feeling. My heart. Soul. Sometimes I go alone, sometimes I go with my love and we find ourselves together and miss him together. And we hold ourselves together, both feeling the gut wrenching pain, but healing together in love. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But some days, some weeks I just ache. And ache. And ache. Sometimes I’m distracted enough that it doesn’t feel like it will kill me. But other days it feels like it could take me away again. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Then some days we find slivers of happiness, like our new pup Apollo 13 we rescued on the 13th. Somehow this little animal has brought some laughter as we watch him discover a free and wild world. But even in those moments I remember how Kreed discovered the free and wild world. And the ache comes again and again. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Where are you? I never find Kreed at his resting place. First- that boy never rested a day in his life, always wanting more- more love, experiences, nature, French fries, joy and happiness. I find him in the wind whipping through my body, the suns warmth and in this free and wild world. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Grief will always come in waves. Whoever said that way back when was correct. It doesn’t matter the time that passes or the way life changes. The pain is there. It’s there to stay. We just learn how to coexist with moments of happiness. We learn to laugh at the puppy and other animals, we learn to enjoy our moments together, but we always, always remember our boy in all of those moments. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Where are you? Everywhere. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Everywhere.</span></div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-79407028055334370782017-12-15T09:17:00.001-08:002017-12-15T09:17:50.026-08:00Carrying this grief<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">That time</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I thought I could not</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">go any closer to grief</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">without dying</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I went closer,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and I did not die.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Surely God</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">had His hands in this,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">as well as friends.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Still, I was bent</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and my laughter,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">as the poet said, </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">was nowhere to be found.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Then said my friend Daniel</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">(brave even among lions),</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">“It’s not the weight you carry</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">but how you carry it -</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">books, bricks, grief -</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">it’s all in the way</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">you embrace it, balance it, carry it</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">when you cannot and would not,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">put it down.”</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So I went practicing.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Have you noticed?</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Have you heard</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the laughter</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">that comes, now and again,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">out of my startled mouth?</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">How I linger</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to admire, admire, admire</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the things of this world</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">that are kind, and maybe</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">also troubled -</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">roses in the wind,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">the sea geese on the steep waves,</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">a love</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">to which there is no reply? </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">- Mary Oliver, Heavy</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">We carry this grief. I can’t always say which way we carry it. Some days we are in a dark valley. There is no sun, no light, nothing to shine on our darkness. Surrounded by peaks, we traverse this dark valley, letting sadness come, memories come, and in some ways consume us. He was our world. The sun which we all spun around, and happily. His joy was infectious. He was the meaning of our life. Then gone. Taking all the light. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Then some days, we climb up from that place. Together. She and I. Our hearts together, and our love pushing us to get out of that darkness. And we try. We try to stand in the light. We try to smile. We try to laugh. We try to find some measure of happiness. I know for me, it’s her. I love my wife and that’s what gets me up every day of my life. For that love, for our life. Even when I think I have lost who I am, I know I’m still someone, and I’m still loved for whoever I happen to be. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I still miss him with everything I have and more. I miss the moments of just being. Existing. Without a clock. Without a list. Without a to-do. Just existing in those moments, doing whatever was needed at the time whether it was a trip out into the world and lessons to be learned, or a trip to decide who had the best French Fries. Or a journey into the wilderness to just exist with nothing but our own beating hearts. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I haven’t hiked in some time. And it shows. But it’s so damn hard to face yourself with just yourself so often. To really look at yourself with nothing and just exist and ask yourself the tough questions. And to visit him, in his element and feel the things he felt. But I did it today and then here I am pouring my heart out, letting the tears fall. Instinct is to run. To run from yourself, your heart, your soul. Because this grief, this all encompassing, heart ripped out of chest feeling is not pleasant and for some, and at times, it’s so much easier to hide from it and not feel it. But here I am today, laying it all bare. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><br /></div>
<br />
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And I will pick myself up. Do what’s necessary and then go home. To love. To light. And know that things will be okay and sink into a long embrace and just be. Exist. And learn this life together without our sun.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-35042748715519543132017-09-27T12:33:00.000-07:002017-10-25T17:51:24.452-07:00Grief and Joy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgag8-y41CkZuVseSpRBwR-s46D7GTMpSvIJrPhZ61NqMuEpZELazkZ8gYiuqZM5qR-77Cz9CPoiMg-PVoelM4sxwUd9AMc-ZZqe6mc7Xa2lx-VgWnMmko3GHD-vVn7Q7AzE-wwJBQ6znY/s1600/IMG_9349.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="720" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgag8-y41CkZuVseSpRBwR-s46D7GTMpSvIJrPhZ61NqMuEpZELazkZ8gYiuqZM5qR-77Cz9CPoiMg-PVoelM4sxwUd9AMc-ZZqe6mc7Xa2lx-VgWnMmko3GHD-vVn7Q7AzE-wwJBQ6znY/s320/IMG_9349.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">We shake with joy, we shake with grief.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">What a time they have, these two</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">housed as they are in the same body.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">- Mary Oliver, We Shake with Joy</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">I am in love with the Ocean</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">lifting her thousands of white hats</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">in the chop of the storm,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">or lying smooth and blue, the</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">loveliest bed in the world.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">In the personal life, there is</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">always grief more than enough,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">a heart-load for each one of us</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">on the dusty road. I suppose</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">there is a reason for this, so I will be</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">patient, acquiescent. But I will live</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">nowhere except here, by Ocean, trusting</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">equally in all the blast and welcome</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">of her sorrow less, salt self. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">- Mary Oliver, Ocean</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">"I'm a believer in meditation that isn't thought of as traditional meditation. It can be in the form of music or painting or walking or anything else that carries you into the flow state. Getting lost isn't actually getting lost. That's the paradox: getting lost is going inward. Getting lost is finding ourselves in a deeper capacity. Getting lost is sometimes essential to growth and ultimately a greater understanding." Victoria Erickson</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">I'm sitting again amongst the trees, rock, grass, bluebirds, ants and mountains. I have felt so lost lately. Lost in myself, lost in this world, riding the tide of grief. Questioning the duality of feeling so much pain and wondering if happiness or joy will exist along side such pain. That's the question in grief isn't it? We will feel this pain forever and joy will exist along side such pain. His loss created such a duality for our life that we must accept at some point. We must learn to live and grieve and accept what each of those states shall give us.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">And we become lost. To find ourselves after his loss. After his life. To find love again. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Life again.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Soul again.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Joy again.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">And how all of that will exist alongside our grief. We were permanently changed the moment his heart ceased beating. While the world moves on and everyone goes back to exactly who they were, we do not. We are permanently altered and must find who we are now, not who we were then. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Knowing and loving Kreed changed me into a much better person than I could have ever hoped to be. And his death has left me shattered, grasping at the shards of myself, trying desperately to put them back together, but instead each shard stabbed me, drawing blood, dripping down and swirling into unending pain. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Until I realized, I could not put the shards back together. I was never, ever going to be that person again. Grief is transforming us into someone new, someone I have trouble recognizing. But the trouble isn't recognizing so much because I'm someone I don't know, but because I fight so hard against the new beginning and accepting the last ending. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">It wasn't supposed to end that way. We fought and fought and fought and always assumed the storm would pass, his dimples would come again and he would be ready for the next adventure. Until one day it wasn't. And we were left.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Shattered.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Tortured.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Grief-stricken.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Lost.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Missing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">No one realizes what it takes to accept the immense pain that will forever exist in your heart and then learn to allow happiness to exist next to that pain. Neighbors that must co-exist in some kind of neutral agreement that each will remain and live separate but equal lives. Our grief will rage on, turning and tumbling over and over, sometimes casting us to the larger waves and other times allowing us to float amongst the calmer water. But somehow, someway, as we continue on, a separate happiness and joy for life must exist. Each acknowledging the other.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">I have struggled so long and so hard with accepting this duality within myself. Darkness comes over me and tells me this isn't so, that I can only feel this great pain and I must exist in this pain and allow for nothing else. The pain twists me.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Tortures me.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Empties me.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Buries me.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">I fight and I fight against its completeness, the suffocating heaviness. But fighting only sends you deeper and darker. Until the day it comes. Acceptance. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">This is the new life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">This pain will always remain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Happiness must exist with pain.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">And that's okay.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">And you stop fighting. You sit up on this ridge, feel the sun at your back, watch the bluebirds fly overhead, stare at the vast expanse of the mountains and revel in the beauty of this place. And breathe.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">In.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: bold;">Out.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Because we can. Because we're alive. Because we still have this one wild and precious life to live. And love this world again in a new way- the world our boy so loved</span><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">.</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span></div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-25751715465549061612017-09-27T11:18:00.002-07:002017-09-27T11:18:41.914-07:00Connecting Again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Oh do you have time<br />
to linger<br />
for just a little while<br />
out of your busy<br />
<br />
and very important day<br />
for the goldfinches<br />
that have gathered<br />
in a field of thistles<br />
<br />
for a musical battle,<br />
to see who can sing<br />
the highest note,<br />
or the lowest,<br />
<br />
or the most expressive of mirth,<br />
or the most tender?<br />
Their strong, blunt beaks<br />
drink the air<br />
<br />
as they strive<br />
melodiously<br />
not for your sake<br />
and not for mine<br />
<br />
and not for the sake of winning<br />
but for sheer delight and gratitude-<br />
believe us , they say,<br />
it is a serious thing<br />
<br />
just to be alive<br />
on this fresh morning<br />
in this broken world.<br />
I beg of you,<br />
<br />
do not walk by<br />
without pausing<br />
to attend to this<br />
rather ridiculous performance.<br />
<br />
It could mean something.<br />
It could mean everything.<br />
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:<br />
You must change your life.<br />
- Mary Oliver<br />
<br />
I climbed a new ridge today. Higher than the one before. And facing the sun, as it rises from the Earth. For weeks, I've sat on a ridge, contemplating my life, searching for meaning and feeling, with the sun at my back, burning and shining in all it's glory. I faced the mountains, staring at their majesty. I searched for<br />
feeling.<br />
him.<br />
life.<br />
soul.<br />
<br />
But every day as I left my rock seat thinking spot, everything went away. I take off my hiking boots, change into the work clothes and I entered the world just as unfeeling as I began the day.<br />
Today, today I climbed a ridge, higher and higher and faced the sun. The mountains to my back. I watched as the sun came up from the earth, in all its majesty and rays of light and there are few things more beautiful in this world than a mountain sunrise, sitting high up on a ridge with just yourself and your demons and your heart.<br />
<br />
I'm still searching for<br />
feeling<br />
him<br />
life<br />
soul.<br />
<br />
The sun rose in all its brilliance and briefly I felt its warmth, before the clouds took her away again, leaving me just as I have been, cold and alone. And I wonder, where my light went, though I know the answer lies six feet under. I have been left shattered, struggling to pick up the pieces. I come to nature seeking the reason for everything, seeking a certain kind of feeling, seeking him. Nature was his sanctuary, where it did not matter what was wrong in his body, or that he had autism, or that he could not speak the language of the world. He spoke the language of the soul, which went straight into ours. For years there was no separation, if he was happy, we were happy, if his soul raged, so did ours. So I don't wonder why, when his heart stopped beating, we were left with ours stopped in that moment. While physically ours still beats to the rhythm of life, it stopped beating for the soul. And we're<br />
cold.<br />
alone.<br />
shattered.<br />
<br />
Today, today I know, I need to change my life. Somehow, some way, my feeling needs to come back. It's not tied to him any longer and has just been cast out, left by itself flapping in the wind.<br />
My tears softly fall upon the thick rock here upon this ridge. It's the only place my eyes leak and my heart is open and searching. I can't be all numb if I sit here feeling the weight of the world, the weight of his loss, the weight of my soul.<br />
I long to feel the warmth of the sun beyond the clouds. But I know it's up to me to light that warmth inside again.<br />
Today I sit on this ridge. And commit to changing my life. To find a way to connect again with this world and not with our child that lays beneath the earth.<br />
This grief washes away everything you thought you knew about life, about love, yourself and your place in this world. Sometimes you feel caught up in the undertow, drowning and losing your place in this world. The pain will never go away, time doesn't make it better- you spend your life missing them and feeling the sharp ache of their missing. But I know somehow, some way, I have to find a way to shore again and accept and live this life with that certain kind of pain. Grief washes away who I was with him, but surely I am still somebody.<br />
I miss you dear boy. I miss who I was with you and I don't know who I am without you. But I will try. For you. For me. For the fight of this life that you loved so wholly, purely and joyfully.<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-82642353791504823622017-09-27T11:10:00.005-07:002017-09-27T11:10:52.623-07:00My Heart Beats On This Ridge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My heart beats up here on this ridge. I stare out at the vast expanse of the nature and beauty before me. But none of it can ease the ache I feel deep within.<br />
The emptiness.<br />
The missing.<br />
The torture.<br />
Of missing his presence. Wondering what he would be doing with me now, fifteen months later. We packed so much life into our time here and I made the mistake of thinking that would always be. We didn't have fifty years. He had 18. 18 years and 8 months and three days to be exact. That was the length of his life. And now I have the next 50 years missing him and feeling that ache, that emptiness, that missing, that torture. That's what I get to spend the next fifty years doing instead of running gleefully through the forest, tubing on the river wild, stuffing our faces with Five Guys French Fries and Sauce pizza.<br />
Oh this pain is a sharp one. Cuts deep down to the soul. I am left shattered by his absence. All of our joy that was wrapped up in him is gone. Vanished in an instant. Our whole life was watching him experience this world with a certain kind of innocence and unconditional love. His wonderment over the way the water moves in a lake, the feeling of leaves across his body and the taste of the sweetness- and bitterness- of nature was a sight to behold. Getting to experience life with someone like that changes you.<br />
<br />
And their loss changes you in an entirely different way. Life feels less joyful. Less alive. Less wonderful. Less innocent. Less everything.<br />
<br />
My heart beats on this ridge but it feels so very hollow. No one can tell me how to live in this world after losing your heart and soul. And I'm left seeing the beauty of this world, but feeling none of it.<br />
<br />
I hate these fifteen months. I hate this grief. I miss our boy. And yes that is a hummingbird and the blue orb together in one picture.<br />
<br />
Who made the world?<br />
Who made the swan, and the black bear?<br />
Who made the grasshopper?<br />
This grasshopper, I mean--<br />
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,<br />
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,<br />
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--<br />
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.<br />
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.<br />
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.<br />
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.<br />
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down<br />
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,<br />
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,<br />
which is what I have been doing all day.<br />
Tell me, what else should I have done?<br />
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?<br />
Tell me, what is it you plan to do<br />
With your one wild and precious life?<br />- Mary Oliver, The Summer Day.<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-3614457297254983352017-09-27T11:05:00.004-07:002017-09-27T11:05:56.476-07:00I Miss You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yesterday my sanctuary failed me. I could feel nothing. No words came to me. It was a certain kind of emptiness that was unsettling. All I could do was stare out, watching the clouds move and the darkness cover the sun.<br />
Despite the troubles of yesterday, I still returned, hoping and pleading with myself. I was treated to some low lying clouds that made the mountains seem mystical. I hiked up to the ridge as the sun began to peak out from the clouds. This time words were coming to me. Thoughts were coming to me.<br />
And so many memories of our boy. They came crashing into me. I turned the music louder trying to drown out the despair until I could breathe again.<br />
I sat with my books and my writings. The memories continued to hit me and I sat with so much sadness and despair.<br />
<br />
Morning Poem<br />
Every morning<br />
the world<br />
is created<br />
Under the orange<br />
<br />
sticks of the sun<br />
the heaped<br />
ashes of the night<br />
turn into leaves again<br />
<br />
and fasten themselves to the high branches-<br />
and the ponds appear<br />
like black cloth<br />
on which are painted islands<br />
<br />
of summer lilies.<br />
If it's your nature<br />
to be happy<br />
you will swim away along the soft trails<br />
<br />
for hours, your imagination<br />
alighting everywhere.<br />
And if your spirit<br />
carries within it<br />
<br />
the thorn<br />
that is heavier than lead-<br />
if it's all you can do<br />
to keep on trudging-<br />
<br />
there is still<br />
somewhere deep within you<br />
a beast shouting that the earth<br />
is exactly what it wanted-<br />
<br />
each pond with its blazing lilies<br />
is a prayer heard and answered<br />
lavishly,<br />
every morning,<br />
<br />
whether or not<br />
you have ever dared to be happy,<br />
whether or not<br />
you have ever dared to pray.<br />
- Mary Oliver<br />
<br />
Nature continues to call to me. Even as these memories slam against me.<br />
I breathe.<br />
In.<br />
Out.<br />
<br />
A bluebird flies to a nearby tree and hops up and up. Oh how I love sitting in nature and witnessing so many beautiful creatures. And how these creatures can just be. How wild and free.<br />
Despite all this beauty, there is still so much pain. Pain for knowing our boy should still be here. And how much he loved life. And how he taught us to be wild and free.<br />
And to love.<br />
And to live.<br />
And to be kind.<br />
He was our whole world. And then he wasn't. And here we are wondering what our world is now. I seek this nature and way of being in hopes of figuring out what is next. How our hearts will go on, how we can open ourselves back up to this world. How to honor his death and make sure his life is never forgotten.<br />
And I cry. Nature brings these tears once more. I think I'm so numb and unfeeling and not for this world. But I sit here with the gentle breeze and the sun blazing against my back and I'm reminded I'm alive.<br />
Breathing.<br />
Living.<br />
Loving.<br />
And maybe I'm not as closed off as I think I am. Maybe I'm not as numb as I think I am. But oh how I wish I could keep these feelings after I leave the ridge. And explain to people why I love coming here and how I find myself here again and again. How I try to live again. Love again.<br />
The bluebird flies off, soaring high above in the sky. I crave that freedom. That wildness. If I crave something, then I must not be so lost. Am I?<br />
<br />
I miss you dear boy. I miss you.<br />
<br />
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-75913661533255672112017-09-27T10:41:00.001-07:002017-09-27T10:41:49.976-07:00I Will Be Okay<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yesterday I climbed up on the ridge in the pouring rain. I inhaled the scent of rain in nature, breathed in and out and just stood admiring nature in the storm. It reflected my own inner state and thus, gave me some measure of peace to have the outside world match my inside.<br />
<br />Today I climbed the ridge again. This time bathed in sunlight. And I thought how interesting nature can change so rapidly and every day is anew. One day dark and stormy and raging...and the next soft and bathed in sunlight. And I wonder if that can be me too? Can I be dark and stormy one day and leave it there in that day and wake up the next day anew. Bathed in sunlight. Back to peace. Back to calm.<br />
<br />And I think perhaps this is why Kreed loved nature so much. He always took each moment by itself. He could rage in one moment from the storm happening in his body, but be peaceful and happy in his next moment, the storm calmed and he feels back to himself. Bathed in the sunlight of his heart.<br />
<br />Why can't I feel that now? I lived in those moments with him and was able to shift as he shifted. I could go from protecting him with everything I had, to joyfully laughing as he stuffed Five Guys french fries in his mouth without ever giving another thought to the storm we raged against an hour before.<br />
<br />Now I find myself constantly cycling into the storm, sometimes without seeing a way out. Then I climb this ridge and I think maybe.<br />
Maybe it won't always be like this.<br />
Maybe I won't always feel like this.<br />
Maybe I can be bathed in the sunlight of my own heart.<br />
Maybe I can calm the storm raging inside.<br />
Maybe the pain won't be so great.<br />
Maybe I can connect to this world again.<br />
This nature provides a hope nothing else can. To see it rage with the storm and to see it heal with the sun coming up, lighting up the world.<br />
<br />"But if a man would be alone, let him look at the stars. The rays that come from those heavenly worlds, will separate between him and what he touches...The stars awaken a certain reverence, because though always present, they are inaccessible; but all natural objects make a kindred impression, when the mind is open to their influence."<br />
<br />"The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are still truly adjusted to each other; who has retained the spirit of infancy even into the era of manhood. His intercourse with heaven and earth, becomes part of his daily food. In the presence of nature, a wild delight runs through the man, in spite of real sorrows. Nature says,- he is my creature, and mature all his impertinent griefs, he shall be glad with me. Not the sun or the summer alone, but every hour and season yields its tribute of delight; for every hour and change corresponds to and authorizes a different state of the mind, from breathless noon to grimmest midnight. Nature is a setting that fits equally well a comic or a mourning piece." - Ralph Waldo Emerson<br />
<br />
And here I am mourning in nature. Feeling the sun trying to light up my dark, the cool crisp air wrapping me in a breezy hug and the beauty begging me to connect with the world again.<br />
Will I connect?<br />
How will I connect?<br />
I don't know. But I will come here again and again seeking my own heart and soul in the places where Kreed felt truly alive and the pain and rage inside didn't matter. And I realize that I felt the same as him- despite the pain and the storm raging inside, nature always brought me back to myself- with him- and now with myself.<br />
Yesterday it was dark with rain pounding down. Today the world is lit up with a blazing sun.<br />
<br />And I think maybe, just maybe, I will be okay.<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-14790098703513102712017-09-27T10:35:00.000-07:002017-09-27T10:35:48.490-07:00Stay Wild With Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Promise to stay wild with me. We'll seek and return and stay to find beauty and the extraordinary in all the spaces we can claim. We'll know how to live. How to breathe magic into the mundane." -Victoria Erickson, Writer<br />
That was my promise to you dear boy. We lived wild. We found magic everywhere. We found the extraordinary in every space we inhabited. You sought the world without limits, simply seeking to do more than exist but live. And to teach the rest of us that it's okay to love simply, live simply and live in this world as one big adventure.<br />
Even as you sat day after day in the hospital searching for answers, you had a grand adventure and touched the hearts of everyone you met. Even the staff in the hallways as you went speeding down them on your scooter- they couldn't help but curl their lips into a smile and for a brief moment they felt happiness- watching you experience joy so simply and so free.<br />
You taught me to be wild and free- to make sure you experienced this world in every possible way.<br />
I watched the way you walked through nature, inviting the wind to embrace you, greeting the trees and leaves, sometimes with a little lick because you wanted every sense immersed in this world. Or raking your hands through the branches and flowers to say hello. I hope, dear boy, you were happy- I hope you felt wild and free. I hope you felt love- from us- from others- from nature.<br />
Thank you- for your love.<br />
Your life.<br />
Your teachings.<br />
Your heart.<br />
Your soul.<br />
Your everything.<br />
I hope I can live as you did-<br />
Free.<br />
Wild.<br />
With love.<br />
With everything I have.<br />
I miss you. Here at 7am, high up on this ridge, I wish you could climb with me. To see how it called to you. To see how you felt it.<br />
I sit here and FEEL you. And let nature catch my tears. And I just want to live this life and be good- and make sure the world knows how extraordinary you were.<br />
And how to live this life wild and free.<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-19264002552356848322017-09-27T10:20:00.001-07:002017-09-27T10:20:35.208-07:00To Go On As We Never Have<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"It is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have."<br />
-Cheryl Strayed<br />
<br />
And here I sit. Trying to find...what?<br />
Myself?<br />
My grief?<br />
Love?<br />
Kreed?<br />
My soul.<br />
I sit high up on a ridge, letting nature consume me. Desperately seeking connection. Feeling. My tears fall softly and nature catches them. The tree's keep the secrets of my grief. This ridge gives me my feelings back. I sit in the world and just be. Nothing else exists in these moments but me, my body, my heart, my soul. Where is my soul?<br />
<br />
I think of Kreed and the way he craved nature and the way he could just exist moment to moment. And he taught me that too- but I seem to have forgotten that lesson.<br />
<br />
But- love- his teachings of love- I feel every day. As Carie and I navigate this life without him and carry this burden of grief, we still love.<br />
Each other.<br />
Our life.<br />
Him.<br />
And every day we breathe.<br />
To keep ourselves present.<br />
To stay above the currents of grief.<br />
To find solace in each other.<br />
And to remember-<br />
Him.<br />
I sit on this ridge and just exist. For myself. For him. For her.<br />
And remember my soul can still exist. And I breathe.<br />
In.<br />
Out.<br />
He is no longer with us- now we must exist for ourselves. And decide. What will we do with our one and wild life. And I think- Kreed taught us it's okay to live this life wild.<br />
<br />
The Summer Day<br />
Who made the world?<br />
Who made the swan, and the black bear?<br />
Who made the grasshopper?<br />
This grasshopper, I mean-<br />
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,<br />
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,<br />
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-<br />
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.<br />
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.<br />
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.<br />
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.<br />
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down<br />
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,<br />
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,<br />
which is what I have been doing all day.<br />
Tell me, what else should I have done?<br />
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?<br />
Tell me, what is it you plan to do<br />
with your one wild and precious life?<br />
- Mary Oliver<br />
<br />"To be fully human is to be wild. Wild is the strange pull and whispering wisdom. It’s the gentle nudge and the forceful ache. It is your truth, passed down from the ancients, and the very stream of life in your blood. Wild is the soul where passion and creativity reside, and the quickening of your heart. Wild is what is real, and wild is your home."<br />
- Victoria Erickson<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-765016914859440639.post-71122823496450566892017-08-03T14:56:00.003-07:002017-08-03T14:56:45.399-07:00This Grief Journey<span style="font-family: inherit;">Grief is a long inward journey. This has been mine lately.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">August 3rd, 2017</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It does not matter the state I am in, when I begin to read the words, my heart is transformed. And oh how I read of Kreed in these pages- and my own life too.<br />When I think of him I feel- I remember, I have to go on.<br />To love the world the way he loved the world.<br />To feel the world the way he felt the world.<br />To experience what this world had to offer. <span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><br />But that's not always so easy- I miss the way he experienced this world.<br />The way he FELT this world.<br />Wholly.<br />Purely.<br />Joyful.<br />Without Limits.<br />I get locked into numbness and distracted by the comings and goings of this world. Do that. Don't forget this. A million things to do. We forget to just be.<br />To just experience the wind whipping across my body. The sounds and stillness of the creek. The wonder and beauty of the canyon at sunrise. The hummingbirds call and small body darting here and there.<br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">We forget that sometimes it's enough to just exist.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">To feel peace. Happiness. Solace.</span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To be glad we just exist in this world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh do you have time</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">to linger</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">for just a little while</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">out of your busy</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
and very important day<br />
for the goldfinches<br />
that have gathered<br />
in a field of thistles</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
for a musical battle,<br />
to see who can sing<br />
the highest note,<br />
or the lowest,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
or the most expressive of mirth,<br />
or the most tender?<br />
Their strong, blunt beaks<br />
drink the air</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
as they strive<br />
melodiously<br />
not for your sake<br />
and not for mine</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
and not for the sake of winning<br />
but for sheer delight and gratitude—<br />
believe us, they say,<br />
it is a serious thing</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
just to be alive<br />
on this fresh morning<br />
in the broken world.<br />
I beg of you,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
do not walk by<br />
without pausing<br />
to attend to this<br />
rather ridiculous performance.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
It could mean something.<br />
It could mean everything.<br />
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:<br />
You must change your life.<br />
- Mary Oliver, Invitation</div>
</span>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">July 31st, 2017</span><br />
As I began my hike today, I passed by some geese I don't normally see. Instantly I thought of this poem:<br />
Wild Geese<br />
You do not have to be good.<br />
You do not have to walk on your knees<br />
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.<br />
You only have to let the soft animal of your body<br />
love what it loves.<br />
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.<br />
Meanwhile the world goes on.<br />
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain<br />
are moving across the landscapes,<br />
over the prairies and the deep trees,<br />
the mountains and the rivers.<br />
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,<br />
are heading home again.<br />
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,<br />
the world offers itself to your imagination,<br />
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --<br />
over and over announcing your place<br />
in the family of things.<br />
-Mary Oliver<br />
<br />
And I thought of Kreed who loved what he loved and felt joy simply- for the world was a wonder to him. Now I hike daily in the early hours of the morning finding ways to love again and see the beauty of the world. The day he left us it felt like the dark clouds came rolling in and began the storm. It has raged over us for over a year and I didn't think or know if we would ever get through it. I still don't know. But the mornings I hike and stare up at the sun and feel it's warmth and see the beauty of this world, sometimes I wonder.<br />
I wonder if we just start again.<br />
I wonder if we find joy again.<br />
And how.<br />
I wonder if we find happiness.<br />
And if it feels different.<br />
I wonder how we live in this world without the most joyful and innocent of souls.<br />
And I sit and stare out over the vast expanse of nature before me and know at the very least, we must keep going. We are here. Alive. Breathing. The world offers itself to us and somehow we have to find ourselves again.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">July 30th, 2017</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My grief journey and daily musing while hiking in the early hours of the morning. I wish I could have taken the courses in college now versus then. While I was a psychology major, I took a healthy dose of English classes too. But then I was naive and unknowing and didn't understand what I was reading. I had zero life experience to understand the value of the words and the impact of them upon my heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then I met Kreed. And for years I didn't read nor did I need to because we<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"> were experiencing what people write books about. I watched him in the sun and the joy of his hopping through the forest or the way he stopped and felt the wind whip passed his body. Or how he stared at the wonder of a waterfall. Or pressed his face into the cool water, wanting every sense he had to feel what nature had to offer.<br />I hike now in the early morning, maybe in some attempt to find him there. To feel what he felt. To see what he saw. To hear what he heard. To immerse myself in the feeling of being in such a beautiful place that only offers itself in all its majesty and nothing more. And I search for the joy he found in those moments. I miss him.<br /><br />Border Line</span></span></div>
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I used to wonder<br />
About living and dying-<br />
I think the difference lies<br />
Between tears and crying.<br />
I used to wonder<br />
About here and there-<br />
I think the distance<br />
Is nowhere.<br />
-Langston Hughes</div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05218364624929926195noreply@blogger.com1