Thursday, May 26, 2016

A Life Unfinished

Never Alone- Lady Antebellum
Kreed went on every adventure with me for the last six years. There wasn't any place I ever thought about not taking him. Sure, he had meltdowns, rages, attitude and didn't always understand safe behavior... But I just took that as opportunities to teach him. We were never going to keep Kreed cooped up inside because we were afraid. Kreed taught us not to be afraid. He wanted to experience nature in all its forms and received pure contentment, peace and joy from those moments. Just because it was hard didn't mean we didn't do it.

We took a road trip to Aspen the last time he almost didn't make it and that was hard. We ended up not being able to pitch a tent because it was so crowded and Kreed didn't quite understand. So we drove around until we found a secluded spot and got comfy in the car. It wasn't exactly easy that night but we made it through all the stronger. 
The next day, we set out on an adventure through Aspen and Independence pass, and the Twin Lakes. Wherever I wanted to stop he was game and he loved the water and wind so much. Even though even then he was still so sick, he had joyful moments and was quite the adventurer. We were never without tough times due to communication and behavior, but you see- it simply doesn't matter. Because the moments we captured were always worth more than what it took to get there. We were always unafraid to try new things with Kreed- if it didn't work out it didn't, and taught me better what to do. We were supposed to take another trip to Aspen this summer when he got better and experience nature there again. I wish I had known that would have been our only trip, I would have stayed longer and enjoyed more. 



Kreed was never alone because we were always with him, even to the very end. I used to sing this song to him never knowing how true it was. 

We lost him too fast. Too soon. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for our adventure to end. And now all I'm left with our these memories. And it makes me thankful that I captured all these memories and that we stood unafraid to take him on all these adventures. With love, patience and strength Kreed showed us anything was possible. We dedicated our life to him because that's what he deserved. To live a full adventure filled life of love and happiness. His life was so hard from not being able to communicate, his body always breaking down on him, and every day daily tasks being so difficult, why wouldn't I want to make it the best it possibly could be. 
And now I sit here with tears rolling down, wondering how Kreed left this life unfinished. And wondering how I will ever get over that and the emptiness my heart and soul now feels. 

But I can say today and every day after that he was never, ever alone and we were so happy to be by his side. 

The rest of our photos from Aspen road trip 2015:
Starting out

Beautiful 
Found a French fry place!
The next morning
Some everything free breakfast 
A beautiful walk
A stop on Independence Pass with a waterfall. His favorite area. 
Then we stopped by a river
And beautiful Twin Lakes, he was excited before we even got down to the lakes. 
He loved this trip so much. 
Don't wait until it's too late to have grand adventures with your kids. Autism isn't a reason to not make this life epic. We don't know how much time we have with our kids and I only wish I had known my time was short. Teach. Love. Have adventures and show them how much beauty is truly in this world. We at least know we tried to have Kreed experience as much of this joyous life as possible. His life will always remain unfinished as we had so many more adventures to take. It's been two weeks today and the pain still hurts as much or more as it did two weeks ago. 

You were never alone Kreed, and I hope you thought you lived an amazing life and we gave everything we had to you. We love always and forever. 

26 comments:

  1. Love this and love you guys! We will live an epic life in memory of our friend Kreed! 💙

    ReplyDelete
  2. So very sorry, he had such giod support.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So beautiful! Thank you for sharing this beautiful trip and especially gorgeous dimpled Kreed. Yes each moment of life is precious and I thank you and Kreed for teaching us to find joy in the moments that count and to view challenges merely as opportunities! You are both in my thoughts and prayers- may you find comfort and continue to live in the moments in honour of Kreed

    ReplyDelete
  4. I first learned of Kreed thru the video about his best friend and I feel in love. I shared his life with anyone who would listen. Thank you for sharing his life and yours it made me appreciate all my children. Thank you for sharing his contagious smile and beautiful dimples a long with your love and strength.
    You will always be in our hearts and prayers, from the Campbells

    ReplyDelete
  5. You gave Kreed an awesome life, he was never alone. He did more in his 18 years because of you and Carie than most other people do in a lifetime. We will miss him so very much, but we will remember him forever thanks to your photographs, videos and blog posts. My heart is broken, I wish he was still with us, and I cry many times a day knowing that I won't see him again. I will make sure Todd has an awesome life, but at the moment it's difficult. Sending love and hugs 💜

    ReplyDelete
  6. It is thru your words and thru your page that I have realized its not about the big things, it can be the smallest thing. Its not about the next day, its about living in the moment. Its not about much more then pure love that you and Kreed shared. Also, I see how important it is to take pictures, lots of pictures. I am so sad for you, I can feel your pain ... the memories and photos you have are what will help get you through. Thank you for sharing an amazing young man with us. From ... Jodi

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for sharing your boy with the world. You and Kreed taught me a lot about the world of autism. I've been working with kids on the spectrum that have major sib's and aggression and by watching how you and Kreed talked to each other, laughed with each other, fought and loved I can only say that I appreciate you and him to no end. All the love in the world to you and your family Erin.

    -Julie from Portland Maine

    ReplyDelete
  8. He did live an amazing life, everything was an adventure to him, you didn't know, and you did the best you could, Kreed is healed:)Though your heart is broken, don't cry for what wasn't, but smile for what was:) Kreed lived a beautiful life you made that happen, words can never take away the pain you feel, I hope can can find comfort in knowing your baby boy is no longer sufferingthese past few months were so hard on him being even sicker than you had probably ever seen him, remember the good times and he will be waiting for you:) But he is always in your heart

    ReplyDelete
  9. My heart aches for you as I read this, I can't imagine the pain and grief you are going through. I am so truly sorry for your loss. You were and are all heros of courage, perseverance, determination and bravery. I hope and pray your pain can ease, I don't know how but I pray it does. You were the best mum a boy could wish for and Kreed was given everything. If it wasn't for you his life could have been so different, but you allowed him to shine as a bright bright light. God only knew how short his life was to be and he gave Kreed to you because he knew how much you would give him in that short time. He had the best life he could possibly have had with you at his side. I wish I could take your pain away but that is humanely impossible. I pray that knowing you and Kreed touched the lives of thousands will in time give you some peace and comfort. God bless you Erin and all your family xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. He knows he had a amazing life and was well loved. He will always be with you in spirit. I too have a autistic son name Jeffrey and I try to give him a good life and take your advice teach and love and have adventures. You take care Erin. Kreed would want his momma to have a good life too. Hugs to you and your family

    ReplyDelete
  11. You truly did give Kreed a happy life. What a beautiful tribute to him and his life this blog post is. Thank you so much for sharing w/ us about Kreed's last trip. Thank you so much also for reminding us all never to take any of life's moments for granted, and to never hold back from doing something awesome w/ our ASD kids out of fear of it not working out... May all of those wonderful memories of the good and beautiful times spent together with Kreed help you to bear the pain of his loss, and one day allow you to smile without as many tears flowing down. <3

    ReplyDelete
  12. His Soul lives forever, with You
    You are a wonderful person Erin

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love seeing pictures of him having fun. It sucks that he's gone. I also enjoyed watching videos of him on YouTube as well. I like the picture of him with his minion shirt on and my middle nephew is obsessed with minions and jake and the neverland pirates.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I enjoy seeing the pictures of him smiling and happy. It sucks that he's gone. I also liked watching the videos of him on YouTube as well. I thought losing my dad last year was hard but I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing with losing you child.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I cry everything I read about him wow you were a amazing mom to him I hope I can be as great as a mom to my son as you were to yours I think about you all the time I don't know what I would do with my life if I lost my son my world revolves around sending lots of love and prayers for peace for you from one autism mom with love

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kreed taught true joy and true love. You continue to inspire us parents of children with autism. I greatly appreciate these posts as we try to integrate these ideas with Eli.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Erin I don't know how you measure a full life because what you all lacked in length you more than made up with in depth, so deep was the love you all have for each other some never get to experience that at all. You were each other's heart and it showed, in the end all there is is love and you guys had all there was , is , and ever could be.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Even though Kreed's journey with you was much shorter than it should've been please know that you gave him a great life with wonderful experiences. I can see the great love the two of you have for each other through the photos and videos that you have shared with us all. Both you and Kreed have inspired me to work harder on encouraging my 16 yr old non verbal son to use his communication device. It is hard to do this consistently and to model conversations over and over with little response or willingness to want to participate but I will persevere because of you and Kreed. I will honour Kreed's life by helping my son Will live his life to the fullest.
    Love & hugs
    Monique

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank you for sharing this trip with us. Even though Kreed's journey with you was shorter than it should've been please know that you gave him a wonderful life. You and Kreed have inspired me to work harder on helping my 16 yr old non verbal son to use his communication device. It is hard to be consistent and persevere when you're not getting the results that you long for but I will keep trying and never give up. In honour of Kreed I will make sure my son lives his life to the fullest.
    Love & hugs
    Monique

    ReplyDelete
  20. Erin my dream is to explore Aspen,Telluride and Ouary. I love Colorado and have been to Boulder,Estes Park and up.Trail Ridge Rd.

    Your article reminds me of the song At The Beginning by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis for the movie Anastacia. I'm crying just reading this Blog and more so because I know how much Kreed loved the outdoors as did I.

    I love the mountains whether it's Lake Tahoe,Colorado or Switzerland. You can let lose,breath in the fresh air and just Duke it out on a trail. Mother Nature understands and won't be mad if you need to take a hike and laugh,cry,scream or have a picnic.

    To me the outdoors provides the perfect place for contemplation. Even if you sleep in a car. I think Kreed taught you to avoid crowds and that's a good thing. I really don't like crowds. Turn off the phone,have S'mores and cook outdoors a gourmet meal with Twin Lakes as your backdrop Pure Bliss.

    Kreed taught the world to be flexible and that one will see the world at a slower pace. My late Grandfather loved Aspen so your article brought back many good memories.

    Sending you my prayers,love and good thoughts as always.

    ReplyDelete
  21. kreed will always be my hero. i am heartbroken. im so sorry Erin xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kreed is a beautiful son to you! I can so deeply feel the love you have for him in these pictures. Hold tight to your memories...share them when needed. And know for certain that you were the best mama for your dear sweet Kreed. Feeling the loss of Kreed daily, in my thoughts. Wanting to send you some real deep long huggs....and still more huggs....really know there are real people thinking and praying for you and your family...
    Janet

    ReplyDelete
  23. I loved these pictures. Such a legacy. My favorites were the one where he was eating those fries because Kreed loved food as much as I do! God bless his soul and God bless you, Erin. Thank you and Kreed for sharing his life. You were with him when he came into the world and you were there when he went out of it again. I know he's so grateful to you for that.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Dear Kreeds moms,
    You did an amazing job with your beautiful boy. I'm so glad he picked you two to be his. You should feel very proud and hand no regrets as I'm sure he didn't. Much love, Sindy Dixon

    ReplyDelete