Saturday, January 28, 2017

When I Want to Die

When I Want to Die 
So many things in our culture seem to be taboo- such as grief and everything that goes with it. We write about our grief daily and don't shy away from talking about it. Even more taboo than talking about sadness, grief or depression is when you want to die because the pain is too much. But it's a reality when you lose a child and the pain is overwhelming and suffocating. We were never shy about posting about Kreed and his struggles and I'm not afraid to post about our struggle now that we've lost him.
More days of the week than not I want to die. I think about it, sometimes I wish for it and the thoughts remain like a dull ache. We were not prepared for Kreed's death and had thus far devoted our entire life to him right down to the house we bought. I gave up my career to assist in caring for him and ensuring he lived an epic life. We never stopped trying to help him and give him a better life. And then suddenly he wasn't here. The pain was overwhelming, suffocating and most days we feel like we are drowning. To lose a child is hard enough, but to lose a child you spent every waking and often asleep moments with us, gave us a whole new level of pain. 

So we battle depression, sadness and unkind thoughts toward ourselves. We feel alone most of the time and wonder what the point is. Our joy and happiness is gone. Even if we manage to find slivers of happiness in this life, it will always be shadowed by his death and our pain.
When I want to die, I have so many thoughts. I'm aware that while we are still living and breathing we are helping other children- as a behavior analyst and through the newly formed Kreed Foundation. I think about what we accomplished with Kreed and the legacy I want to continue to share. 

When I want to die, I fight back with one thought: Kreed will not be forgotten. We must go on to spread his message and ensure that Kreed continues to inspires others for years and years to come. When I want to die, I think of Kreed and the life he didn't get to live, that we must now live for him. We must carry on to make sure this world understands the need for communication devices for ALL kids and adults who need them, not just the ones insurances and schools deem "ready" or "qualify" for one.  We take this depression and sadness every day, this heart break, this soul tearing and try to make sense of it all.

This all started with a boy who found his voice and will continue with his family who will give others a voice. So we continue to write about our life, no matter how sad, no matter how we feel, no matter if some days we wish to be in the ground with him. He was our heart and soul and always will be.