Today I climbed the ridge again. This time bathed in sunlight. And I thought how interesting nature can change so rapidly and every day is anew. One day dark and stormy and raging...and the next soft and bathed in sunlight. And I wonder if that can be me too? Can I be dark and stormy one day and leave it there in that day and wake up the next day anew. Bathed in sunlight. Back to peace. Back to calm.
And I think perhaps this is why Kreed loved nature so much. He always took each moment by itself. He could rage in one moment from the storm happening in his body, but be peaceful and happy in his next moment, the storm calmed and he feels back to himself. Bathed in the sunlight of his heart.
Why can't I feel that now? I lived in those moments with him and was able to shift as he shifted. I could go from protecting him with everything I had, to joyfully laughing as he stuffed Five Guys french fries in his mouth without ever giving another thought to the storm we raged against an hour before.
Now I find myself constantly cycling into the storm, sometimes without seeing a way out. Then I climb this ridge and I think maybe.
Maybe it won't always be like this.
Maybe I won't always feel like this.
Maybe I can be bathed in the sunlight of my own heart.
Maybe I can calm the storm raging inside.
Maybe the pain won't be so great.
Maybe I can connect to this world again.
This nature provides a hope nothing else can. To see it rage with the storm and to see it heal with the sun coming up, lighting up the world.
"But if a man would be alone, let him look at the stars. The rays that come from those heavenly worlds, will separate between him and what he touches...The stars awaken a certain reverence, because though always present, they are inaccessible; but all natural objects make a kindred impression, when the mind is open to their influence."
"The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are still truly adjusted to each other; who has retained the spirit of infancy even into the era of manhood. His intercourse with heaven and earth, becomes part of his daily food. In the presence of nature, a wild delight runs through the man, in spite of real sorrows. Nature says,- he is my creature, and mature all his impertinent griefs, he shall be glad with me. Not the sun or the summer alone, but every hour and season yields its tribute of delight; for every hour and change corresponds to and authorizes a different state of the mind, from breathless noon to grimmest midnight. Nature is a setting that fits equally well a comic or a mourning piece." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
And here I am mourning in nature. Feeling the sun trying to light up my dark, the cool crisp air wrapping me in a breezy hug and the beauty begging me to connect with the world again.
Will I connect?
How will I connect?
I don't know. But I will come here again and again seeking my own heart and soul in the places where Kreed felt truly alive and the pain and rage inside didn't matter. And I realize that I felt the same as him- despite the pain and the storm raging inside, nature always brought me back to myself- with him- and now with myself.
Yesterday it was dark with rain pounding down. Today the world is lit up with a blazing sun.
And I think maybe, just maybe, I will be okay.
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