Connecting Again

Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy

and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles

for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air

as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude-
believe us , they say,
it is a serious thing

just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in this broken world.
I beg of you,

do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
You must change your life.
- Mary Oliver

I climbed a new ridge today. Higher than the one before. And facing the sun, as it rises from the Earth. For weeks, I've sat on a ridge, contemplating my life, searching for meaning and feeling, with the sun at my back, burning and shining in all it's glory. I faced the mountains, staring at their majesty. I searched for
feeling.
him.
life.
soul.

But every day as I left my rock seat thinking spot, everything went away. I take off my hiking boots, change into the work clothes and I entered the world just as unfeeling as I began the day.
Today, today I climbed a ridge, higher and higher and faced the sun. The mountains to my back. I watched as the sun came up from the earth, in all its majesty and rays of light and there are few things more beautiful in this world than a mountain sunrise, sitting high up on a ridge with just yourself and your demons and your heart.

I'm still searching for
feeling
him
life
soul.

The sun rose in all its brilliance and briefly I felt its warmth, before the clouds took her away again, leaving me just as I have been, cold and alone. And I wonder, where my light went, though I know the answer lies six feet under. I have been left shattered, struggling to pick up the pieces. I come to nature seeking the reason for everything, seeking a certain kind of feeling, seeking him. Nature was his sanctuary, where it did not matter what was wrong in his body, or that he had autism, or that he could not speak the language of the world. He spoke the language of the soul, which went straight into ours. For years there was no separation, if he was happy, we were happy, if his soul raged, so did ours. So I don't wonder why, when his heart stopped beating, we were left with ours stopped in that moment. While physically ours still beats to the rhythm of life, it stopped beating for the soul. And we're
cold.
alone.
shattered.

Today, today I know, I need to change my life. Somehow, some way, my feeling needs to come back. It's not tied to him any longer and has just been cast out, left by itself flapping in the wind.
My tears softly fall upon the thick rock here upon this ridge. It's the only place my eyes leak and my heart is open and searching. I can't be all numb if I sit here feeling the weight of the world, the weight of his loss, the weight of my soul.
I long to feel the warmth of the sun beyond the clouds. But I know it's up to me to light that warmth inside again.
Today I sit on this ridge. And commit to changing my life. To find a way to connect again with this world and not with our child that lays beneath the earth.
This grief washes away everything you thought you knew about life, about love, yourself and your place in this world. Sometimes you feel caught up in the undertow, drowning and losing your place in this world. The pain will never go away, time doesn't make it better- you spend your life missing them and feeling the sharp ache of their missing. But I know somehow, some way, I have to find a way to shore again and accept and live this life with that certain kind of pain. Grief washes away who I was with him, but surely I am still somebody.
I miss you dear boy. I miss who I was with you and I don't know who I am without you. But I will try. For you. For me. For the fight of this life that you loved so wholly, purely and joyfully.