Saturday, January 28, 2017

When I Want to Die

When I Want to Die 
So many things in our culture seem to be taboo- such as grief and everything that goes with it. We write about our grief daily and don't shy away from talking about it. Even more taboo than talking about sadness, grief or depression is when you want to die because the pain is too much. But it's a reality when you lose a child and the pain is overwhelming and suffocating. We were never shy about posting about Kreed and his struggles and I'm not afraid to post about our struggle now that we've lost him.
 
More days of the week than not I want to die. I think about it, sometimes I wish for it and the thoughts remain like a dull ache. We were not prepared for Kreed's death and had thus far devoted our entire life to him right down to the house we bought. I gave up my career to assist in caring for him and ensuring he lived an epic life. We never stopped trying to help him and give him a better life. And then suddenly he wasn't here. The pain was overwhelming, suffocating and most days we feel like we are drowning. To lose a child is hard enough, but to lose a child you spent every waking and often asleep moments with us, gave us a whole new level of pain. 

So we battle depression, sadness and unkind thoughts toward ourselves. We feel alone most of the time and wonder what the point is. Our joy and happiness is gone. Even if we manage to find slivers of happiness in this life, it will always be shadowed by his death and our pain.
 
When I want to die, I have so many thoughts. I'm aware that while we are still living and breathing we are helping other children- as a behavior analyst and through the newly formed Kreed Foundation. I think about what we accomplished with Kreed and the legacy I want to continue to share. 

When I want to die, I fight back with one thought: Kreed will not be forgotten. We must go on to spread his message and ensure that Kreed continues to inspires others for years and years to come. When I want to die, I think of Kreed and the life he didn't get to live, that we must now live for him. We must carry on to make sure this world understands the need for communication devices for ALL kids and adults who need them, not just the ones insurances and schools deem "ready" or "qualify" for one.  We take this depression and sadness every day, this heart break, this soul tearing and try to make sense of it all.


This all started with a boy who found his voice and will continue with his family who will give others a voice. So we continue to write about our life, no matter how sad, no matter how we feel, no matter if some days we wish to be in the ground with him. He was our heart and soul and always will be. 

9 comments:

  1. I get it. I wrote about feeling the same way here:
    http://inchingonward.blogspot.com/2014/10/how-this-feels.html

    This was written at the 9 month mark. My heart is with you both.

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  2. I feel your pain my brother has autism. Sometimes I can't tell at all what he is trying to say. I found out about your YouTube channel Kreed's world. It is so heartwarming and emotional. I love your videos. They make me smile every time I watch one. I get SUPER excited to come home from work and watch one of your videos, when I have a bad day they immediately make my day. The first time I saw one of your videos I felt an immediate connection with Kreed. I fell in love with his smile and his " dimples to die for" and they are truly to die for. I hope this makes you a little bit happier. I also do not wish any pain from this message to you as I type. Anyways, back to my point. All I wish to say is Kreed was a VERY special boy,and I hope this cheers you up. When I realized Kreed had passed away ever since I watched that sad video I have been thinking of everyone in Kreed's life. I cried myself to sleep that night I watched that video. Being a big cousin to most of my cousins. I could not imagine what I would do if one of them passed away. It would be unbearable to go through that pain. Thank you for trying your hardest to just try to spread awareness of autism. And thank you for the memories I have had just watching those videos. You are beautiful, one of a kind, Smile More. Bye. ( I am not responsible for copying that saying off of Roman Atwood it is just so over powering to say it to you. That saying is part of Roman Atwood's company and I give all credit of that saying to him)

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  3. I can't imagine what you are going through! I'm sorry for your loss doesn't seem adequate for Kreed. Kreed was so much more than words. From time to time I watch Kreeds videos on YouTube to remind me of what true love is. Wow, the amount of love that you have for Kreed & he still has for you is huge! And, very beautiful to hear. I will never let Kreeds memory pass. I am sending you cyber hugs and support. I found this poem on the internet and it reminds me of Kreed. I hope it brings you some comfort
    Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not there; I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow,
    I am the diamond glints on snow,
    I am the sun on ripened grain,
    I am the gentle autumn rain.
    When you awaken in the morning's hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circled flight.
    I am the soft stars that shine at night.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry,
    I am not there; I did not die.
    RIP Kreed! Fly high with the Angels and a never ending supply of fries!❤️������

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  4. I watch Kreed's videos from time to time still! I am always captivated by his joyous laughter and those dimples when he smiles...what a handsome guy! I will never allow Kreed's memory to die. I will carry the love you have for Kreed and he has for you forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful son with us. It's been an honor!

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  5. I just discovered your blog via a YouTube video. I needed a tool to help my verbal autistic son relate positively with his non-verbal classmates. A video of Kreed using AAC to process an incident where he hit his mom really connected with him because my son struggles with aggression too. Thank you for continuing to share Kreed and your family with the world. You are changing the world.

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  6. Hey i just want to say, even though no one will understand how you feel. But know for sure that you are not alone, and i hope you and your family found strength and hope all the time.

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  7. Erin my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry. May you find incredible strength and peace for the rest of your life and may your son's memory remain an inspiration for many families. Carry on Erin. You're still needed by others who have children with autism. Don't give up. The world needs your gifts.

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  8. Les from YouTube.
    Thought about you girls a lot this last week.

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  9. Erin, I am so impressed with everything you gave to this kid and this family. I am not sure if you were related physically to him or not, but you absolutely were a living angel to this family and this little guy. I believe he taught you as much as you taught him and I can only imagine how hard it is for you now he has moved on and is now watching you from above. My heart esp hurts for you as a devoted viewer as I can feel through the videos how much he meant to you. I thouroughly believe he is taking care of you from the skies mama. Thank you for sharing all that you did and thank you for being such a special person who was able to devote yourself to this beautiful little guy. You are so beautiful Erin and I am so sorry for your loss. If you ever need anything,I know several of us would be honored to listen and know we are always here. All of my love. Always praying and thinking good thoughts for you. Muchos besitos mi amor,

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