Sunday, July 10, 2016

Today I wish...

Today. Today I wish I wasn't a behavior analyst (BCBA). Today I wish I hadn't worked in the special needs field for fifteen years. I wish I wasn't an AAC specialist. I wish I wasn't a specialist in working with medically fragile kids. Or kids with autism. 

Two months ago I was going to stop my career and be with Kreed full time because he required two people at all times and Colorado will pay for one to be a caregiver. I was going to be able to have epic adventures with my boy and continue to give him an amazing life. On May 12th that ended and the day would come soon that I would have to return to my former life and not be one of Kreed's moms. But just people's behavior analyst. It seems so cold now. Removed. Different. 
All I can think of is what I could still be teaching Kreed. The epic life we could still be having. Filming his progress, finding new ways to help him be successful and finding new ways to feel joy. Now I have to help other people's children. I have to watch them grow and learn and achieve success. I cry the entire way to work and the entire way back. Because that should have been us. That should have been me and Kreed always. His life was unfinished and my job, my work, my parenting of Kreed is also unfinished. I never wanted to be anything other than Kreed's mom once I became one of his mom's. There was no more rewarding job on earth and nothing I would rather do. 
But it's not. And I have to go back to a career and a job without him. Feeling empty. Different. 

The only thing that saves me is coming home to Carie who shared my grief, on a much larger level, and we can be together in that emptiness and try to find our life again. But there will always be something missing. 

Today. Today I wish I wasn't a behavior analyst. Doesn't mean I'm not good at my job, because I am very good. Just means it's one of the most difficult parts of our life now that he's gone. 

Empty. Cold. Different. Our lives are all unfinished.