Today. Today I wish I wasn't a behavior analyst (BCBA). Today I wish I hadn't worked in the special needs field for fifteen years. I wish I wasn't an AAC specialist. I wish I wasn't a specialist in working with medically fragile kids. Or kids with autism.
Two months ago I was going to stop my career and be with Kreed full time because he required two people at all times and Colorado will pay for one to be a caregiver. I was going to be able to have epic adventures with my boy and continue to give him an amazing life. On May 12th that ended and the day would come soon that I would have to return to my former life and not be one of Kreed's moms. But just people's behavior analyst. It seems so cold now. Removed. Different.
All I can think of is what I could still be teaching Kreed. The epic life we could still be having. Filming his progress, finding new ways to help him be successful and finding new ways to feel joy. Now I have to help other people's children. I have to watch them grow and learn and achieve success. I cry the entire way to work and the entire way back. Because that should have been us. That should have been me and Kreed always. His life was unfinished and my job, my work, my parenting of Kreed is also unfinished. I never wanted to be anything other than Kreed's mom once I became one of his mom's. There was no more rewarding job on earth and nothing I would rather do.
But it's not. And I have to go back to a career and a job without him. Feeling empty. Different.
The only thing that saves me is coming home to Carie who shared my grief, on a much larger level, and we can be together in that emptiness and try to find our life again. But there will always be something missing.
Today. Today I wish I wasn't a behavior analyst. Doesn't mean I'm not good at my job, because I am very good. Just means it's one of the most difficult parts of our life now that he's gone.
Empty. Cold. Different. Our lives are all unfinished.
I need you, we all need you. There are days with Andy when I think I am a complete failure. I'm constantly told he is complex, or he is challenging, too low functioning for me to hope. I will hope and I will keep trying.You give me hope. Kreed gives me hope. I want more than anything to communicate with my baby boy and I will find the strength to keep going because of Kreed.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and Carie, I never realized you were a behavior analyst, but it makes total and complete sense now. You were absolutely amazing with Kreed and he obviously loved you very very much. You and Carie and the rest of your family are always in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteIt has to be just one of the many hard things you are going through. I'm so sorry Erin. I wish I had more to say or to offer but I can't because I don't have the experience you and Carie have. Please know that you are always, always thought of.
ReplyDeletemy heart breaks for you and Carie i feel so heartbroken i know what you guys are going through i am just one month shy of reliving the day i found out my Pappy was no longer with me he passed August 29th 2005 i still go through that grief and the grief of losing my friend who was an age younger than Kreed when she passed what gets rid of my sadness is my youtube hobby
ReplyDeleteYou are such a blessing to all of us Mom's out here that feel hopeless and afraid. Love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis is so profound Erin. Your career has made you who you are. I'm sure you wanted to take a break from your career to be with Kreed 24/7.
ReplyDeleteYou have helped other children on a deep level with your professional background. I'm.sure Kreed would not want it any other way as I'm sure he understood you are helping others.
It's very difficult to continue living when you lose someone so dear and near to you. It comforts me that you can go home to Carie to sir there and share your feelings,cry,sit there in silence or vent. You never know how much a person loves you and cares for you until something very profound happens.
There will come a day when you will see your hard work pay off. Remember you went to school to help others by working as a BCBA I can imagine a phone calk you will get from a child you worked with years down the road thanking you for all that you have done for them.
Erin you are my hero. You have touched me in so many ways and I have learned more from you than a University Textbook. The reason I remain Anonymous with my responses here is because I'm too humbled to reveal my identity and share my gratitude. Thete will be a day when I will reveal my name as my career grows. You may see me on TV or read about my passion to help others. Thanks for all that you have taught me. You made me a better individual.
May you both have Peace,good health and the time to take hikes and long walks.
Kreed is forever in my heart as are his moms
ReplyDeleteLove you both, love Kreed and I can not even imagine the breadth of your pain.
ReplyDeleteErin and Carie much love to you both. Wishing all of us Kreed lovers could carry some of the pain for you.
ReplyDeletewe all need you Erin. we come here because we need you. because we have amazing people in our life and we need you to help us through. to teach us. to help us to grieve your amazing son who will never be forgotten. we hear you Erin and we understand your pain. much love xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI only " knew" Kreed through YouTube but I feel like I lost a friend, so I can only imagine your grief. I have a 6 year old little boy with autism. My heart breaks for your loss.
ReplyDeleteKreed touched so many lives in a positive way. God bless you Erin. The light of Kreed shines through the darkness.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! I wish I had words to comfort you and to put everything in perspective and take your pain away. I dont though but I can tell you that you are an epic Mom and Kreed is one lucky boy! He may not be here anymore but he will always be your son. God Bless you and yours Mommas Kreed
ReplyDeleteI had no idea you were working that entire time Erin.
ReplyDeleteI knew you were specialized in the field, your videos were recommended to me because of that, but I guess I assumed you quit working when you moved to the mountains and Kreed needed so much more care.
Maybe time for a career change? Time to put something you uniquely know down on paper for others to learn from, maybe?