Sunday, September 7, 2014

I am not a perfect parent

I am not a perfect parent. 

Sometimes I'm tired. Sometimes I'm hurt. Sometimes I'm so mentally exhausted I can't think straight. Sometimes I'm stressed beyond belief. Sometimes I do not do things right for Kreed or I yell too much or don't take the time to understand. 
I am not a perfect parent. 

The trick is knowing that no one else is either. We try and we do our best for Kreed at each point in time- but sometimes our best is not super awesome- sometimes our best is sheer exhaustion. 

Kreed sometimes has days where he rages all day. Or pees in every part of the house. Or spills food everywhere. Or yells at me all day. Or hits me. He is not a perfect kid either. But we love him unconditionally and to the moon and back. Turns out Kreed also loves us unconditionally and forgives us when we have just as shitty days. These dimples sure help. 
We would like to think we can be there 100% for our kids every second of every day and be perfect therapists also. Sometimes we are just tired parents. Who wouldn't be after waking up every two hours at night to put them back to bed or clean up whatever mess they left us while we shut our eyes for JUST A SECOND. 

When those eyes are open some days are filled with that pee, or poop, or hitting or yelling. That's they way it goes. Like I said, our kids aren't perfect either. Some days the world is too much and it's so much easier to hit and yell and not use a toilet. I get it, I do. Some days Kreed just wants Five Guys for every meal and doesn't understand that's not okay. He's hungry and he wants their fries damn it. So we fight and yell and have it out. Then he apologies, I apologize and life goes on. 

Sometimes life feels like a repeat every single day- sometimes nothing changes and it's a struggle to get through. Other days are amazing. Some days are both. I'm not a perfect parent and he's not a perfect kid. So that how that goes. 
But as long as we keep in mind progress not perfection, I think we will be alright. Last year we were at the end of eight months of pure hell- he raged like crazy and hurt himself and me badly day after day to the point he could no longer ride in a car or be out in public. He was restrained constantly to keep him from destroying his body or the house or me. It was utter hell. I think I went to a part of myself and my brain that kept the full weight of those eight months far far from my consciousness. Now I can barely recall it and I guess don't want to. Now it's a year later and there is much to celebrate! Including knowing none of us is perfect and we do what we can with what we have!

To this...
This is not always an easy life. Some days will be better than others. Sometimes the bad days stack up and you don't even hardly remember what a good day looks like. But it will come- it will be a smile, a nod, a moment of wonderful...something...and the world will be okay for that time- 5 8seconds....5 minutes.....5 hours. That is what we hold on to. 

And remember it's ok. We are not perfect. We try our hardest at whatever point we are at and we love, love, love...and often that is what saves us all.