Friday, January 24, 2014

Letters to Kreed

These seem to be flowing out of me these days. So I think Friday will be letter to Kreed day. 

Dear Kreed,
I watched you lay on the floor this week. Didn't want to get up, didn't want to do anything. My heart broke for you. I was so happy you could tell me you were just tired and nothing hurt, but damn those medical problems that take you from me. 

You can tell me now if you're hurt or if you're just tired and that is a miracle to us. Although many things are still a mystery, how you feel about everything is not. 

I don't always understand why you get stuck on certain things or why you think you have to eat out every second of the day, but I try to set limits and boundaries to help you understand this world better. It's full of chaos and uncertainty which at times is too much for your black and white thinking brain. I try to give you some order to the chaos, though I know it's so hard. I don't know why your brain wants five bags of veggie chips a day and you don't know why I only let you have three (maybe). It's hard all the way around. But we'll figure it out together. I'm sorry when I get frustrated, I'm sure it confuses you even more why I don't understand. But I love you buddy. 

I love to hear your voice. Even if it's called "Joey" on your device- to me it's just Kreed. I love how you are using your words now, even when you are so angry at me. You tell me in words and not hurt. I watch you think of new ways to ask or tell me things and I sit in wonderment. Three months ago everything was a crisis to you. Now everything is a discussion. And you my dear child, have changed our world by beginning to do that. 

I asked you to let me hear your voice and now you say things loud and proud. It's not always easy and sometimes things still hurt, sometimes I still have to protect you from yourself, but I hear you buddy. I hear you in everything and even if I am going to say no, you can ask me anything. I'm sorry when things are tough and I'm sorry when you don't get your way. But I love you through it all and when you hurt, I hurt. But right now- you are making me so incredibly proud. 

So it was hard this week; seeing you lay there with listless eyes. Seeing you find joy in nothing. Watching my heart break for you while we try to find out the new medical mystery. But thank you for giving a voice to how you feel and with that we will find answers for you. Just take my hand and we will get there together. 

Rest easy tonight and I'll see you in the morning, ready for a new days' discussion. And hope one day I can read these letters to you and you'll understand.